avoided like a diseased chicken

2004-09-05T17:24:00.000-05:00

i love working at walgreens
no, im just kidding.

although working there provides a certain level of amusement. not the customers who bitch bc the coupon isnt working or some how I overcharged them. i dont set the prices nor do i put in the prices. apparently me being the person who scans items, also gives me ability to go thru the system and change the already set prices. but thats ok, ppl are stupid.

my hit list is just increasing.

haha.

haha.

no seriously it is.

but i like walgreens bc of the employees who i get to work with. actually its just now. when i was a cosmetican, i was stuck with grls. but now im stuck with boys, who make me laugh just by saying "ur mom." all day the pain of working for 8 hrs is lessened by laughing. all day. laughing, and laughing, and bitchy bitchy customers.

haha.

good times.

and its great cause i flirt with all of them. ahahah.

hahah.

ahah.

well expect jonathan. hes a minor. but i just annoy me.

good times, good times.

2004-09-02T21:35:00.000-05:00

new email add
thinking of all the ppl who knew about my past email add has made me appreciate the new one.

theres a limit i can take of the pro-kerry, pro-choice, pro-kicking george bushs ass and christain republicans.

im tried of saying "oh, hey, holy shit, i feel the same way," or "dear god, why do u hate me?"

if i were a true human, i would listen to his speech which is presently going on for the past 40 minutes.

but i fear my soul will die and crush itself bc it cant handle the lies, lies and more lies.

2004-09-01T11:13:00.000-05:00

similar instances
of course i should be studying.

2004-08-24T18:05:00.000-05:00

one of the great things about college
is the sheer stupidity that one gets to witness that they had missed when hanging out with the sofa and fridge for 3 and half months.

nevermind the innocent freshman with dreamy eyes of wonder, nevermind the assholes who stop while walking who you eventually run into bc u were walking behind them, who then proceed to stare at you like you were the idiot. no, nevermind them.

rather its college... in general.

for instance, the elevator story.

i got into the elevator after a woman with a suitcase (since she couldnt possibly carry all her school items in a schoolbag but the Samsonite All Pro 2500) who proceeded to stare at me all the way up to the 4th floor from the 2nd. it amazed her that i didnt push another button other than '4'. if i knew forehand the evil stares, i just might have taken the 3rd considering that is the only alternative choice. as i face the doors, residing my body on the right wall, i notice thru peripheral vision that the woman is staring at me. now, wonder... do i know her? but i tend not to associate with idiots with suitcases for schoolbags, so maybe not.

i catch her stare, and say "hi." i have no problem with confrontation. in fact, i welcome it to a certain degree. and she responds with a "how are you?" an interesting remark since most ppl would have said "hello" and then looked away. hmm, how are you? well, i havent bitched to anyone about being sick for about 2 hrs, so i reply with my "oh, im sick." she replies with a "oh." sweetheart, dont ask if u dont want to know. what did she think i was going to say? 'great, and cool suitcase. when are u traveling to mongolia?'

i never bothered to ask her how she was cause
1. i dont care.
2. the elevator opened to the 4th floor.

after we left the elevator, i proceed to go in the same direction as her. she realizes this and starts walking faster. hmm. someone should inform her that this school exists for about 1.3 miles. its not that un-common that there are ppl rite behind her.

upon reaching that floor i had discovered that im hungry and it will be 3 more hours till food reaches my stomach. i also remember that there is a vending machine at the end of the hallway. i take out my wallet and walk slowly to the vending machine. when i get to the vending machine, it seems that she has stopped there. but not in front of the vending machine, but near too.

another unfortunate event, bc she then gets pissed and walks away. which by all means, i say 'go for it.' why would i follow you?

now, for sheer wonderment, what was wrong with her?

2004-08-21T12:39:00.000-05:00

kiss the sky
apparently im learning first hand how much college + work + sickness = PAIN IN THE ASS.

sore throat still exists.

sniffles still exist.

however, i just spent the past few hours playing on the computer and doing nothing.

its easy when u wake up at 11, to sit around for a couple of hours.

i finally figured out a couple of things on the phone.

like how to use it, mainly. dialing, voice dial, adding numbers.

god, with all this tech shit, where is the simplicity?

well i actually need to get ready for work.

2004-08-20T15:19:00.000-05:00

sniffle sniffle
i am sick.

ugh.

and i have work.

ugh!

symptoms presented itself this morning when i awoke. a sore throat, and sniffles. after lunch it has resolved a wee bit. i just took some tylenol, and now im getting ready for work. i tried doing hw. that was a pathetic waste of time. i just went to sleep. apparently (who knew) that working on ur couch wouldnt produce you viable to read pages and pages and pages of c-r-a-p.

however, i must finish the hw soon. before monday. which means i have to do all my hw on sat and sun. hopefully ill be working sun morning and that way i dont have to go to church.

2004-08-19T17:10:00.000-05:00

aimless thoughts
its official. i simply cant hide it anymore. College, the infamous, painful, POS has started.

after sitting thru endless hours of boring bullshit, i finally entered global politics. the class i had picked out as my favorite even before i entered the classroom, met the fabulous teacher, or started reading chapter 1 on globalization last week. However, this was a senior level class, which as a sophomore i could not handle, esp w/ shitload of reading from the other classes.

this fight would be a useless fight. i need to get the gpa up and not at the level it is now, an abhorrent number of 3.3.

grr.

so now, im in "humans: our place in nature."

(sign)

however, i looked up the prof at rateaprofessor.com and apparently shes nice and A-ok. however, that was for FISH RHET. damn crap.

the advisor said, "oh, students just love her. they cant wait till they go back."

what kind of hocus pocus is that?

apparently kathy thinks i need therapy.

ahh, what a day.

im going to take a nap.

2004-08-17T22:53:00.000-05:00

there are a million things i would rather do than finally realize that college must start:
-spinal surgery
-root canal
-pms
-anna nicole
-vote for bush....no thats disgusting and repugnant, vote for the devil...(kerry)

from now on, ill be the treacherous environment of hell. constantly surrounded by stupid professors or stupid ppl or stupid republican ppl.

there one if not the same.

while watching the olympics, my sister informed me that romania was near spain. clearly i had to disagree since thats not t-r-u-e. her comeback was "go look at a map." excuse me? fine, i will. apparently to her, spain and greece are close together, too. hm, thats not rite, either. even though i wasnt a 100% sure where romania was at least i knew the approximate location. like the west side of europe; certanily not the east.

speaking of olympics, is anyone else addicted? i understand other ppl have lives..(something clearly that i dont) but still, isnt it addicting? i almost wish i was one of those ppl. like when u are screaming at the tv, "go phelps, go," as he swims to the end of a race or "go, clint (something or another), go" finish the relay to beat the aussies. and then ure jumping like u had some kind of part in it. or when the gymnastics are on. and u just sit in amazement at what these 17 year old agile grls can do. holy fucking shit, how do get from one bar to the other. how do u jump on 3" bar with no worry that ure head mite come off in the process. or when they jump in midair. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. amazement.

well, tomorrow is going to be the best day of all. ill get new clothes, new cell, get my eyebrows done, get my school supplies, and wish i had a nice cold beer. a great toast to a great summer.

2004-08-16T17:26:00.000-05:00

ha!
i forgot what i wanted to write.

damnit!

im reading james carville and paul begala's book b'uck up suck up'. its going to interesting, and its already fucking funny.

2004-08-14T17:06:00.000-05:00

godiva ice cream
whoever thought of this certainly did know women.

and the effect men produce on women.

im at the bottom of my once half full cup of classic milk chocolate.

ive just injested 290 calories, 18g of fat, and 28 g of carbs in the past an hour.

all over some guy.

the insanity that is me.

its time for a new blog.

2004-08-13T15:06:00.000-05:00

http://http://www.progressive.org/august04/pal0804.html
talk about brave new world/1984/neo-capitalism/the other side of outsourcing/culture deprivation.

2004-08-13T13:08:00.000-05:00

damn you, Pathetique!
maybe its this lackadaisical feeling, this pessimistic half-hazard walk through today, or the intense summer heat paired with darkness, something reminded me of Fight Club. The movie for which i wrote my SMU essay on, actually. Of course i never actually sent it in, fearing that they would not accept me due to eclectic outlandish/against society/hate capitalism views, which seemed to coincide with pro drugs/liberal views.

whats interesting about college entrance essays is the fact that they ask you some profound question for which no 17-18 year old has had enough life experience to write about.

or it asks you about your "ab"-normal childhood.

i had neither. i grew up in the suburbs of dallas, living a nonchalant life, trying to fit into the mold of society, which i grew to hate.

i always wondered why the person reading my essay would care about my anti Christianity/culture views. how do you deem a person worthy of entering a college on such merits? but at that time, i was a 'guilt ridden Christian', who stood at the edge of the church and wondered about the social constraints of religion. esp a religion which focused on the debasement of women. i do understand that jesus didnt preach that women shouldnt be allowed to enter the altar and it was The Church which determined our role. which trickled up or down from the society.

however, the sanctity of religion is morbid, and ever declining.

with religion, there are many excuses.

a fight for islam.
a fight for christainity.
a fight for Judaism.

a fight for 'our' holy place.

'imagine a world without religion.'

but, ppl are weak, and they need to believe in something.

(its doesnt help that every holy roller freak i meet seems to side with the republican pt of view, either.)

2004-08-12T23:31:00.000-05:00

stripping while drunk
should not be classified under the "smart" category.

it doesnt matter if u have on ur sexy, purple lace bra, or your victoria secret underwear,

stripping while drunk should not be classified under the "smart" category.

it doesnt matter if ur best friend, says you have great boobs, bc well duh.

stripping while drunk should not be classified under the "smart" category.

in other words, last nite was tons of fun, lots of half-nudity brought on by a drinking game which makes me sick at the mention of the word "alcohol" or "rum" or "vodka" or "godiva ice cream" or "beer" or "penis."

2004-08-10T17:23:00.000-05:00

random degradation
upon arriving home yesterday after the utnuke free meeting (which was fun and interesting), my parents informed me that they are traveling to San Antonio for 2 days.

needless to say, i had the party planned out 30 minutes after t-h-a-t conversation.

whatelse does one need but their best friend, alcohol, and poker to make an evening unforgettable? and maybe some male nudity via some movies. ehm. well, amy and i plan on hitting back shots at 5, while the rest of the entourage is expected to come at 10. ha!

on thursday i will broke and with a hangover. fantastic.

i think its time for another segment of 'stories: via walgreens.'

1.
old black man who looks remarkably like luther vandross, and whose is humouous and loves me:
you have beautiful hands...
n: (gee this convo has taken a twist from where it was when i was talking about college. Slightly creeped out) ....ohhh. thankyou, sir.
obm: i dont know how ure going to win a case as a lawyer though.
n: what, asshole? what? are u deeming me an uneducated who will live the life of a walgreens employee for the rest of her life? only my mother is allowed to say that and not get heels up their ass.
obm: u are so pretty. i wouldnt believe a word that came out of that mouth.
n: (ohhh, ok, hes not judging my abilities as a person.) ohhh, thankyou. (pause. oh wait...., huh. thats a little beyond creepy, actually.)

afterwhich, he proceeded to tell me how "if i see myself as a laywer, i will become one." then told me to 'trust in the lord.' hmm, why not? who doesnt believe in the lord jesus christ and savior and creater of the world before they belive in religion?

thats fantastic.

2.
young teenage guy with friend walks over to me.
n: hi, can i help you find something?
ytg: oh no, na. but, eh, how old are you?
n: (whaaaat? oh god, lie or not lie. lie or not lie.) 19.
ytg: (leans over)
n: (omg, im going to get raped!)
ytg: you have a bf?
n: (WHAT? this is by far t-h-e most anti-creative and unorginial line i have ever heard.) yeaaa. (i mean, ben affleck doesnt call as much as id like. mainly never calls. but what can i do? im just a grl. im sure hes fucking jenn garner, but i mean she has a lot to offer that i dont. like a star status or 5'9 of gorgeous envious body.) yes, i do.
ytg: oh yea, u think hed mind if u had a friend on the side.
n: (well, im sure ben wouldnt mind but lets pretend he would. but thats actually funny, dude. im one of those ppl with morals and shit. gee, i know the whores u meet everyday arent quite like me, but what can i do?) amidst laughter, yea i think he would.
ytg: oh,
n: (did he expect me to say yes?) laughter.
ytg: so what are you?
n: (usually classified as human, and female) indian.
ytg: oh, yea. well, you know, u probably couldnt keep up with me anyway.
n: (u, certainly, dont know me. underestimating me?) laughter, thats true.

3.
n: i cant believe school starts next week. im disappointed.
sylia, fellow employee of walgreens: oh, yea. so what grade are u going into?
n: laughter. (stupid ppl, im older that 14!) college isnt really classified into grades.
sylia: WHAT! complete disbelief. college!
n: yea, a sophomore.
sylia: i thought u were going to the 11th of 12th grade.
n: yea, thats like the time i was in the bathroom washing my hands senior year of highschool, and this grl asked me if i was a freshman.

ppl do amuse me.

2004-08-05T21:45:00.000-05:00

i always complain about money
but never has a check for 387 something dollars been throw into my hands with such spunk or adacity. actually it me going up to 'mr. child molester voice guy' and asking for my check. woohoo. whose a rich bitch?

c-e-r-t-a-i-n-l-y not me.

but who has enough money to pay back their parents? I DO, I DO.

whose even for the nyc/boston trip.? I AM. I AM.

whose a happy jitter bug? I AM. I AM.

Onto other news, my old friend from highschool just stopped by my house. MAY I SAY COMPLETELY RANDOM? Erin and i had orchestra together for several years. Many of those years we spent hating our lives, but we have both grown up and realized that highschool wasnt all that bad. all those years of popping pills, cutting, bulemia, drugs, and dark depression; we were A o-k. and if dont count 9th, 10th, or 11thyear. but thats not like it was that big a deal. i mean, only a couple of years of suicidal thoughts.

we had a great convo about politics. mainly, bc she took the republican side! we had a discussion/debate. for so many years, i have only discussed politics with democrats. those convos usually go along the lines of

"i hate bush."
'oh, yea me too.'

shes not a fan of bush but shes not a fan of kerry. i used to talk to david about being a republican, but hes kind of a druggie. i used to put his comments into the "i love jesus/god/bush but i love drugs and sex also" group. were those comments valid? no. was it fun? hella ya. good times, good times.

hopefully ill talk to her soon, and we can resume our talks. i forgot how alike we were.

2004-08-04T10:59:00.000-05:00

prosperity
id like to say that i am one of those gracious human beings that would gladly say that money doesnt define me or i wouldnt like to make more money.

but that would be a lie.

rite now, id like go shopping, go to a movie, buy a couple of books, or just plain vegetate of the coast of Fuji.

but no, im currently pissing my life, writing nuances here, wishing i had some money.

ah, to be poor.

2004-08-03T17:40:00.000-05:00

i really wish i was a millionaire
there are times when the disgust of the commerce/consumerism of this world strikes me ill. but certainly not on days when my parents inform me that they wont pay for college.

hm.

that certainly isnt the best thing i have heard all day.

hm.

that certainly isnt the best thing i have heard all week.

hm.

that certainly isnt the best thing i have heard all month.

hm.

it could be when i screamed, with my indoor voice, 'I DONT NEED YOUR FUCKING MONEY'.

clearly i said that bc im a little cranky, and i havnet had my nap, yet. get me in a couple of hours and ill be servile, and tell you i {do} need ur money, bc ,well, i do.

it just came on the wire that cheney said "democrats are to blame for the high gas prices."

Dear Dick Cheney,
SHUT your fucking mouth. OF course Kerry didnt vote for you to drill in Alaska, bc dumbass, its a fucking national park. you know, with l-i-v-e animals hopping and prancing around in all their innocence. what are u going to kill on ur vacation, dumbass, if u kill everything by drilling? rodents arent that fun. wouldnt it feel great to kill a deer? eat vermin in the woods with little bushy trailing behind you. Thats all for now, Dick.
Sincerely,
A loyal supporter of Kerry.

2004-08-02T20:56:00.000-05:00

i hate my life
well, im sure theres more to say, but no there isnt.

i hate my life.

2004-08-01T20:57:00.000-05:00

void of a thought
simple as it seems, to my parents i cant make a credible thought by myself. i lack the capability. i lack the intuition. i lack an orginal thought. i lack the insincerty. i lack the capability. which brings me to ask, what is it about me that makes them think that i cant? what makes them think that the choices i make in this world, the actions i choose to venture into, cant take me anywhere. why cant they bring to understand me and understand that my life isnt about them? their dreams. their hopes. their wishes. their fuckingshitting money. its me.

i guess i shoudnt be surprised.

things to do this week:
1. apply for financial aid
2. get a new account
3. start thinking about where else i can go than this school...

i just want to leave. thats what it has come too.

2004-07-31T12:25:00.000-05:00

normalcy
the life i left confronts me again. a week gone by, full of exploration and history. stopped by a plane, ended with a baggage claim, thru the warm streets ends the night, and vacation.

in many terms, i welcome the change. there is comfort in normalcy, in expectancy, in rituals. a certain freedom exists in knowing that youre bed awaits, your computer beckons, your cds itch to be played, and your heart can ease...you are home.

but then, there it is again, normalcy; a double edged sword. excitement strikes you as a disgusting, morbid, lie. and then you feel the void again. the displeasure in waking up to be at the same place, at the same time, seeing the same ppl, having the same hollow, disappointing conversations, feeling that you are not meant to be here, but secretly knowing that you wouldnt fit in anywhere.

having the same worries, the same fights, having the halo of disappointment hung upon my head. the hidden anger, the hidden thoughts, the hidden dreams. the pressure, the lifeless living, the stagnant air of life.

2004-07-28T13:57:00.000-05:00

holy shit

insanity has proven fatal again, as it seems im in nyc, sitting in a library at the mount sinai hospital, breathing the same air with quite a few who strut with their badges on, proclaiming their intelligence to 'little no ones' like me. they eye me with liberal eyes and say 'U ARE AN OUTSIDER. get out before i whack you my badge, you infidel." well, maybe not. but that's ok. normality does have its advantageous. like....hmm. sleep, and laziness.

but, enough babbling, hows the trip, you ask? a question which deserves a fulfilling ans.

its fucking AWESOME. its very tiring, the feets are always complaining, the head is always fatigued, the ass (or lack thereof) either bored stiff or bored stiff. amy is still here. i was sure id run her off with my craziness. but actually, she doesnt have many places to go. shed have to catch a cab, with some crazy man, and id eventually run into her at utd (she cant transfer that fast). but no, shes still here, sitting next to me writing a letter to a family member, recalling the details of the trip.

boston was sensational, since well, they were all DEMOCRATS OR LIBERALS OR PROGRESSIVES OR republican holyrollers. i got to meet AL FRANKEN!!! i mean, what the bejeezes? i got to hear carville speak, AND THAT WAS FUNNY AND FABULOUS AND HILARIOUS. i wish i could have stayed in boston for another 2 days to see kerry win the nomination or go to a rally or hear more about the need for democrats to get out there and vote. but no (sign), i had to come back to nyc. but it was still fantastic, and i really really really didnt want leena to loose her job. that would suck. shes officially the coolest cousin. shes wild, shes crazy, shes totally laidback, and totally what i want to be. which by any standards, im not. she did inform me that im 'high maintenance.' what? thats crazy. just cause i have standards and expectations (height, car, money {not bling bling but enough for the gas,} profession/future career) or i tell ppl what they dont like to hear doesnt mean that at all. im just a little picky. a little too picky. no, just a little picky.

ok, well. tell more stuff later.

but wait, i forgot to talk about the best things here. no, not the 'i'talian food, but the m-e-n. did someone say sexy? oh yea, thats me! plently of damn 'id do u now, kind a thang but just cant bc of the whole hiv/aids/diseases thang'. i havent seen many(no, none) hot indian guys, bc last time i was here, they were here. it was like hot guy mania. but now, they have all disapperared into the little unknown conerns of nyc. where oh where? my wish of partying didnt happen here. alhough, getting "krunk" every which day when were in ct certainly did make me feel better. and tomorrow, if plans go as planned, we will get blasted krunk. ahh the coolness!!!!!! ok, im a minor. i still get all happy thinking that alcohol which awaits me.

woohoo.

more and more and more and more to say.

2004-07-22T23:38:00.000-05:00

tomorrow is 'the day'
for so long, ive been waiting for this. an acclamation for the years i have grown; for the errors and wrongdoings i have done; for all the failed attempts, and for the finale. it certainly isnt the biggest thing that will every happen to me, but this is a start. this is affirmation that i am indeed crazy and ...spontaneous. but mainly loco. im finally leaving the hold my family has on me. a hold which has supported me, and carried me. although, i will leave time and again, and then leave for forever, i will always come home. there will always be a plane ticket that returns me to my roots, to the start the finale, to realize, to ponder the imagination that i once had, and to fulfill the hopes and dreams that i had.

although sleep has left me in the gutters of insanity again, there is a sense of silence. i know not what tomorrow brings, bc my imagination has left with me no clues, not even pecks of color but dramatic silence. maybe this is best; i can realize the true pleasures of life with no certainty, with no schedule, with no thoughts, no worries, no mistakes looming over me, no barriers, no foolish dream romances. maybe this is all a romance.

2004-07-21T18:39:00.000-05:00

i have moments of fullfillment
for the past few days or weeks, ive come realize that the paths i have taken in my life were the right ones.

when you see things in retrospect,the world is much clearer; the world is much sweeter and much deserving.

as i think about this trip i take in a day, when i think about how this would have never been possible without M, without my cousins, without my friends, it makes me very grateful, and thankful.

so, im thankful, im pleased, im satisfied, im happy.

2004-07-10T11:42:00.000-05:00

A Century of U.S. Military interventions

2004-07-10T11:27:00.001-05:00

its crazy i know, but what the hell
apparently, bush is getting on the whole gay marriage thing. again. im sorry, it must be me who thinks there are more important things in america other than letting some ppl marry. gee, what with the bachelor bob marrying greenlee from AMC, or the marriage of michelle branch or the marriage of britney spears. its such bullshit that "we have to keep the sancity of marriage sacred." if we had kept it sacred, we wouldnt have a 60% divorce rate, ok motherfucker. but u dont care, u just want to be releacted. u just want some more millions.

bc who doesnt?

anywho. work, work, work.

2004-07-09T22:25:00.000-05:00

im clearly going to be sick
u know when u eat too much, and ur body starts making the wierdest noises and u feel like ure about to puke any moment and all u want to do, is lay down and sleep.

ok, well, the sleep part may have much to do with the fact that im sleepy AS ALL HELL. thats cause i worked a whole 8hrs, and im dying of over stimulation.

most folks should regard the phrase 'overstimulation at walgreens' as a conundrum. but its true! at work, there was a lot of memorization and shit. whats great is that as the days progress toward the unholy day of pain, suffering, emotional wreckage, or pms, i get dumber than the box of rocks sitting in anna nicole smith's head.

not to mention, the el parents THREW AWAY MY MANGO ICE CREAM. clearly i was shocked at why anyone would THROW AWAY SOMEONE'S ICE CREAM. esp when its fucking good! next time im going to leave a sticker that says "dont throw away my damn good ice cream!"

oh, fuck. i need to call leena! ok done.

sleep, yay.

2004-07-08T13:09:00.000-05:00

Fahrenheit 9/11 is a stupid white movie
i heard about this article at the SLC meeting.

it poses some interesting pts, and expresses some of the grave concerns that i have toward the "kerry/edwards" campaign. However, I fail to see how it was an conservative movie. I understand F9/11 was racist, but what show of humor on TV doesn't offend someone? It plays on the stereotypical ignorance of what we know. But there are a lot of other things where Bush failed as a president. What about Medicare, the environment, unemployment benefits, overtime benefits, or SS? I understand voting against the democratic party this year to reaffirm someone's "anti-empire" stance is someone's right, but at what cost? I don't agree with Bush's policies not just because of Iraq.

2004-07-07T18:51:00.000-05:00

dont ever deny the power of mango ice cream!
thats all im saying. why mock something that melts in ur mouth, and makes u sad that the whole wide world cant be covered with this ice cream. all it does is make u warm, and comfy, and sexy, and fat. thats all it does. what with 250 calories for HALF A CUP, and 28 grams of fat for a whole cup, i mean, why does that matter if u are happy. this is my ode to fat ppl who eat mcds everyday, if it makes u happy, DONT DO IT.

the ny post published that kerry picked gephardt, yesterday. let me ask, WHO THINKS THAT THE NY POST IS A RELIABLE NEWS ORGANIZATION, other than fox.

so another wonderful, woonderful day of hearing the stories about john. the sexy man that ms. amy has her eyes (and claws) on. after hearing and seeing pics of pam, the ugly bitch whore who amy thinks stole him away, i think its not even a possiblity. mr. john is away, and thats all there is too it.

2004-07-06T20:25:00.000-05:00

high school memories
jess called me to inform that she had spotted my senior year crush.

i only uttered a couple of words bc what can i say? it was evident by the start (jan.) of that crush that we would not be together, and at the end (graduation) it was still evident that we would never be together. a year has passed, and im still that grl, and i presume hes that guy. but with a year to reflect my mistakes in the area of "men," should i be suprised that thinking of him makes my little heart flutter ever so softly. if anything, at least i know it WONT HAPPEN. (denial is a friend of mine.) if only the gods of fate put our faces within inches of each other, do i doubt, i will ever talk to him. i would trapieze and have a look, but it would seem staged and planned, and good god, wouldnt it suck if he had no clue. it had drawn on me in the latter stages of highschool, that he had picked up and always detered from ...me.

but its all ok now. i have better things to do than run around stalking a guy whom i rarely talked too.

what are we if not our past? the somber days when getting into college, prom, hating cheerleaders and crushing on the guys we could never get, were important.

now, it seems that life is taken into a grandeur style; more complicated from this line of sight. and the circle of terror still exists. now its getting into graduate school. now its getting the right guy, not just the "hottest guy". now we're thinking about the future, bc its inevitable. now we feel the pains of adulthood, while regreting the days of our past.

2004-07-05T00:01:00.000-05:00

what i learned at walgreens?
have u ever wanted to scream at ppl just basic nonsense?

"YOUR FAT, why are u buying 5 bags of candy?"
or
"youre an idiot. i dont add up the prices, the computer does."
or
"ure already old, ugly, and moronic, why buy more cigs?"
or
"plz, sweetheart, i knew u were a hoar from the moment u walked in with your SKANKY shorts folded again at the elastics."
or
"there are many fruity chapsticks. if u dont know the name, the brand, a basic description or the flavor name, HOW THE FUCK WILL I?"
or
"what promted me to want to go to law school? WHY THE FUCK IS IT UR CONCERN?"
or

theres more; its the damn fact that i cant remember now that shocks me.

now, heres some grly grly grly words of wisdom.

i luv DC. ahhhh!

Hope, dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
Winding in and winding out
The shine of it has caught my eye
Roped me in so mesmorizing
And so hypnotizing
I am captivated
I am...

Vindicated
I am selfish, I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

So clear
Like the diamond in your ring
Cut to mirror your intention
Oversized and overwhelmed
The shine of which has caught my eye
And rendered me so isolated
So motivated, I am certain now
That I am..

Vindicated
I am selfish, I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

So turn up the corners of your lips
Part them and feel my finger tips
Trace the moment, fall forever
Defence is paper thin
Just one touch and I'd be in too deep down
to ever swim against the current

So let me slip away, so let me slip away
So let me slip away, so let me slip against the current
So let me slip away, so let me slip away
So let me slip away, so let me slip away

Vindicated
I am selfish, I am wrong
I am right, I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed
But I am cleaning up so well
I am seeing in me now
The things you swore you saw yourself

Like hope, dangles on a string
Like slow spinning redemption
---vindicated---dc

2004-07-05T00:00:00.000-05:00

F 9/11!
i dont think ive been so angry, so distrubed, & so stunned in my life. no matter if you have no interest in politics, watch it. no interest in bush, watch it. no interest in liberal side of the story, watch it. if u can waste ur money on watching spiderman 2, you can waste 7 more on a shocking dose of the truth. u will see the true realities of war, of the ppl fighting for your "freedom." you will see the innocence of ppl. ppl ur fucking age fighting a war which was concocted for pure profits. is it fair that they die? is it fair that they dont get to walk into their homes? is it fair that they dont get to see their friends again? is it fair that they dont get one more conversation with their loved ones. NO, IT FUCKING ISNT.

u fucking ppl out there who have no clue need to get more involved in this world.

2004-06-30T23:07:00.000-05:00

its time for the reruns
i just came from watching 'the terminal,' which i liked. it wasnt out there, it was simple, & it was heartfelt. it was predictable in certain aspects, & it wasnt a gut wrenching story. it was slow, and subtle.

but due to the movie, im on a jazz craze.

so as i turned on windows player today, i came across old jazz station streamlined via the internet.

as im listening to duke E., im wishing i had someone to dance with, someone to kiss.

jazz makes you feel so good. there are no words. it just makes ur body move, and swirl. and dream? what it must have felt like to be there? in the midst of the great artists.

2004-06-28T12:41:00.000-05:00

what global warming?
its summer in texas and its raining. that doesnt happen, folks.

its supposed to be over 100 by now. in fact, we are supposed to be counting the number of days its over 100. we are supposed to be the counting the number of days since we got an resonable amount of rain.

but no, its raining like a monsoon! its wet everywhere, its humid everywhere, its flooded everywhere.

the state logo for texas is "friendship." r u fucking me? a state where we carry guns to the supermarket, a state where they are trying to abolish all the dangered species rules, a state which elected bush to the governor position; we are a 'friendship' state? fantastic.

2004-06-27T00:45:00.000-05:00

DEAD
i just bought the tickets for boston.

shouldnt i be elated? shouldnt i be joyous?

i, as of the moment, am neither. im here, im there. im clueless, and void. i feel terrible. why?

i feel like i've con(ed) mother and father into spending money for something which i feverishly believe in, but they dont.

i feel like they i've con(ed) them with my strike.

i see the error of my ways.

its the fucking guilt. when i finally get what i want, it consumes me. it makes me feel sad for the things i want. not deserve.

what do i deserve?

but i will be earning money on my own. doesnt that count for something? and then theres everything else.

its one more reason why i can't do this. its one thing they get to say when they learn the truth. didnt we give u everything u wanted? well, yes, of course you did.

with all these fights, and fights, always about money, i have to wonder when and if this will ever be over.

bc im tired of it. of course, i can say it.

im still planning on paying for school by myself.

this grl is going places, and not just boston and nyc. shes finally having the life expierences that she desperatly wants. she finally gets to be apart from all the crap that she hates.

2004-06-26T12:28:00.000-05:00

reagan
i had to watch a lot of the reagan funeral. do to the witch, a lot. my pt of view was that he was a republican. why should i care? no one deserves to die, but we all do. no one deserves to get AD, but it happens. other than that, what the hell did he do?

Reagan: thanks to IMC

no news about the trip, but slowly every muscle and bone in my body knows it wont work. so i dont care anymore.

2004-06-26T01:06:00.000-05:00

whats there to say?
the plans are going to hell.

i have to wonder why, again, my life sucks. is there secret plot the universe created once i was born to show me the error of living!

i dont think ive ever been so angry in my life.

ah, im so tired.

i just cant care anymore.

2004-06-25T12:27:00.001-05:00

i am so lost
there are ppl in the world, where constantly bad things happen to them. i am one of those ppl. the bad luck which has run rampant since the days of birth has forced me to wonder why? theres no reason for it. i am a good person. i have done nothing vehemently wrong to society. too others, either. other than the time i cheated in freshmen biology, other the time i accidentally hit a car and left, what have i done wrong?

now the trip to nyc/boston is on the rocks. daddy says he is tired of me and my spending habits since the trip to india cost so much money and i dont seem to care. how i can i show these lifeless humans that i need something more than this lifeless days i live here. with his harsh words (most of which ive heard before but wont repeat), i emailed mrs. meyer and asked how i can pay for college on my own.

its about time i did this. i have always wanted to do this. but its latetly the possibility of the hateful life has discovered. god only this morning as i lay in bed with every muscle in my leg hurting, did i think that for once my life seemed peachy.

god, what a mistake. all those moments, when i feared that something was going to go wrong. something would go wrong. for all the parts of me that believed that today will work, something in me knew it wouldnt.

2004-06-25T12:27:00.000-05:00

2004-06-25T12:25:00.000-05:00

2004-06-25T12:10:00.000-05:00

2004-06-24T11:50:00.000-05:00

well, its time for
after i arrived from work yesterday at 11:10, after a late nite convo with M, after an hour of twists and turns, after an abrupt wake, it seems its time to venture into work again.

i awoke this morning to the astonishment that the clock blinked 11:00. am? i thought. it cant be 11:00!? after weeks and weeks of waking up at brink of 9:00, i wake up at 11:00, the day i have to go into work at 2:00.

after washing the dishes, putting on bruce springstein, and discovering that my life progress quite faster than i thought it did, i am awake. not ready for work, of course. but work is the only thing that makes my life go faster than it should. the secret desire to pass time, but the hatred of seeing my life in the cosmetics aisle of walgreens.

today, i must ask about the number of days i can take off, and tommorrow, ill buy the fucking tickets, to nyc or boston. im trying not to keep my hopes up that i will get a week off. although many ppl have said it shouldnt matter, there were looks of stark suprise, when i mentioned "one week." what is this a nazi camp? i need a vacation. im working like a dog at your store, and u cant give me a few days off so i can go into the liberal parts of america? i dont care if u are a republican, and 'oh my god,' do i not care that ur whole aspiration for the store is "to make money."

i have also learned that how i ask someone for something is the key. who knows if this plan of attack will work? but i shall try.

i really really really want to stay a week! i mean, this is once in a lifetime kinda thing. fuck yea it is.

2004-06-23T12:18:00.000-05:00

2:00
the thing about having a job is the fact that i dont want to go.

its simple, im lazy. the more time i can sit upon this hard, uncomfortable chair, reading the entries of ppl i will never meet, just to catch a glimse of someone with a "life" is worth it.

the other thing about having a job is the fact that i stare at the clock wanting the time of work to come already! why? its not like i want to go. when i work in the morning, i wake up several times just to check the clock and see how much more sleep i can get. nm, if i just slept, i would get more of a structured sleep. but i cant.

i wish i started early morning, and then come home to sit upon the tv, and wonder about the world. the thing about the late shift is the fact that i miss all the tv shows. nevermind that these shows have no substance, but i can force myself to watch 'the simple life 2.'

the other thing, i hate about having a job is the fear of the phone. nm that i have used the phone since the age of 1, and can speak into it for +2 hours on end without once fearing the risk of cancer, when i get a job, its the undeniable fear that they will call me and ask me to work. this fear, of course, is one created by the 8 months i worked at BR. what a fucking ridiculous piece of shit.

ahh, of course, now it is time to eat, since i predict, the shift will last anywhere between 8-10 hrs. it starts at 2, and it will supposedly end at 10:30. 10:30, i have learned is a waste of a number when u work at walgreens.

2004-06-22T13:31:00.000-05:00

nail file
when im nervous or bored, i tend to file my nails. so as i look at my nails today, should i be shocked that they do not exist? no, of course not.

i had a meeting with the career counselor. another interesting day with a lady whom i will see often in my career less paths of college.

'what should i do with my life," is apparently the name of the book she wants me to read. that along with, 'major in success.' the latter, she exclaimed was kid tested and recommended. she also wants me to create a new journal, which means more money for the blogger company.

what should i do with my life, is such a poignant statement. how true. how great. how me or my situation.

WE ARE GOING TO STAY IN NYC

2004-06-21T18:03:00.000-05:00

weatherbug
the weatherbug thing is seriously pissing me off. so in the middle of unistalling, i see this section where i can write 'general comments." and the plan emerges.

general comments
what the hell is that chirping sound? do i really give a fuck if the temperature raised or lowered one fucking degree? ohh gee whiz, thank god the temperature increased one degree; now its 95. i cant wait till it reaches 96. ahh, the wait. when will it go up? when?

I would consider installing the WeatherBug again if:
certainly when my house got hit by lightening or a huge tornado ransacked the entire place. then ill think, "damnit, if only i had weatherbug." bc when i feel the house shake from thunder or strong winds, i wont logically think, "gee i think theres something wrong." or maybe when i see the cow (twister insinuation) flying by, i wont think, "oh my goodness, theres a cow flying by my window. something is w-r-o-n-g!" no! someone of my caliber would only think think, "COWS CAN FLY!" what? i need to call bush jr! thats insane! evolution! what a crazy thing!

the funniest thing is the fact that after i uninstalled 'weatherbug,' i was taken to a site where i could INSTALL weatherbug.

2004-06-21T11:59:00.000-05:00

hard times
no im just kidding.

life is ok rite now. lots of work and work. and work.

but thats ok.

MOOLAH for boston.

i hate sean hannity. no one should say shit about kucinich or howard dean. the only two REAL democratic/liberal canditates running for president.

man, i hate republicans. thanks o'reilly. thankyou for lies, and lies.

2004-06-19T10:22:00.000-05:00

BOSTON
I AM GOING TO THE DEMOCRATIC NATIONAL COMMITTEE CONVENTION IN BOSTON!

i will not be in the dncc. however, i will be around DEMOCRATS AND LIBERALS.

what it must feel like to be around liberals?

i can only imagine. what must it feel like to NOT see a "bush cheney '04' every other car, get outrageously pissed, and want to kill every fucking prick republican.

i can only imagine.

the only i worry about now is the amount of time i can take off from work. considering i just started yesterday...

ahhh. the insanity.

ohhhh, the insanity.

2004-06-17T14:32:00.000-05:00

wierd dreams that no one understands
i just watched the DNC video. the one where he goes nars is quite the funny. id pay to send mr. bush to mars.

the dreams:

the first nite, i was with my mother at the hospital cause (in india) she was having a baby! i was like what the fuck? im walking next to her in the stroller. thats 1. impossible. she had a hysteromy. 2. omg, SICK.

the second nite, we're in our house in india. and i walk out the door into the veranda and my dad is standing outside, looking forward, so i cant see his face, but on the back of his shirt, theres blood. like someone had stabbed him or something. THAT WAS FREAKY.

yesterday, we were in the house in india, and i hear someone yelling my name. so i got out into the veranda, and theres my (dead) grandmother walking up the steps with three or two little kids, and a baby in her arms. now the baby is frozen. i cant see the isciles in the hair. but when i hold it, it starts to unfreeze. then it does like a doll manuever, like u know how dolls hands are when u move them, and grabs my glasses.

tomorrow is the first day on the job. fun fun fun. what am i going to wear is the main question.

i dont know!

2004-06-16T11:32:00.000-05:00

if only i knew what i was thinking
i started a no junkfood, coke, & meat diet. its not really a diet. ive recently realized how unhealthy i am. and maybe its not that. i had lost around 5-6 lbs during the trip to india, and in no hurry to see myself back to the before photo. what with drinking 2 dps a day, to savoring the taste of real mexican food at the local taco bell, to eating chocolate like veges, its time i ended this continous circle of disaster.

so far, i have done well on the teid. (its not a diet, its a teid.) how long i will continue this tied is left to mental depravitiy. and i dont think eating these items once in a while is harmful. but its like a project, something to be done and dealt with appropriatly.

the teid has kept me at the weight i was at when i entered US two weeks ago.

the other thing of notable importance is the new job. well, the pay is 7.20, and its at walgreens. i will start sometime next week. explaining grandma's 40th day thing was quite a hassle. other than that, and the fact that the manager sounds like a child molester, everythings ok.

the dress code is something i wonder about. WHAT TO WEAR?

the plan to head to boston for the DNCC is something that is coming along.

IT MITE HAPPEN, FOLKS.

2004-06-12T09:14:00.000-05:00

its been days
since ive had anything reasonably interesting to talk about. what with this climate, HOT, this raging case of boredom, BORED, and the reagan funeral, ?!.

today, however, i have plans.

moreover, they are plans with amy. who doesnt love to spend the day with amy, recalling the riduculouness of certain things in India or hearing 2 weeks worth of stories about linds?

linds. hmm.

i woke up this morning with a dream that the eagle had never left. currently im looking at robert miguels website. (if u have seen robert miguel, u would know this, but if not, hes Fatt.) but hes a very funny funny man.

i hate clearchannel. they only thing they bring me is kidd kraddick and ryan seacreast every fucking day. WHO WANTS TO LISTEN TO THAT SHIT ALL THE TIME?

man, im pissed and its only 9:35 in the morning.

the injustice!

2004-06-08T07:30:00.000-05:00

today i have
designated find a job day.

will i?

who knows... but the pessamistic me will win over in 5 hrs time either as i 1. leave to find a job or 2. sit here and complain.

i have realized that i must call parur today in order to varify if my sweater exists in the hands of someone there, in order to report to nijo and mathew.

wake up parents!

goodness.

2004-06-07T07:03:00.000-05:00

early morning?
its only 7, and i have eaten breakfast, catched up on the daily news, watched the weather report, and read and send out email.

what other chore awaits me? ....

what shall i do next? ...

ahh, the goodness of boredom.

ever since the return, i havent been enthralled in politics as i once was. its just the fact that im tired of bush. im tired of all this crap. for many reasons, i dont wish to live in texas or US anymore. if i get the chance, i wish to leave somewhere in the world where some freedoms exist.

i was looking up colleges in europe. sadly i cant read any of the languages in europe. except english.

what the fuck am i listening too?

im bored and i want college to start.

2004-06-06T07:36:00.000-05:00

well, if thats whats important
j lo has gotten married again.

i forgot about the great world of celebrity news that runs rampant in the streets of LA and NYC. who cares about the foreign relations that bush jr has ruined? who cares about the suspicious step down of george tenet? who cares that the only rock station in dallas is gone!?

not me.

im thinking that marc anthony is really stupid. why the fuck would u marry that *whore, who has been married 2 times, and has just gotten over a break-up with ben affleck after a very long engagement? these ppl are beyond me. why do u bother to get married? buy a pure white wedding gown, throw a party for ur closest 40 friends at ur lavish home, praise jesus, talk about ur undying love, and go fuck each other quietly.

why do u bother ruin the name of marriage?

which brings me to another pt; why is j lo, queen of marriages and breakups, allowed to marry 3 times and divorce twice (and will inevitably get divorced again), why the fuck cant to homosexuals who, maybe, understand the concept of marriage a little better, marry?

i kept thinking that the dn convention was this weekend. sadly mistaken. its from July 26 to July 29. thats two months away till i know the future (hopefully) vp of US.

2004-06-04T23:25:00.000-05:00

two weeks ago, i left...
it seems like this world has changed in so many ways.

1. 97.1, formerly 'the eagle', has now become an oldies station. clearly, i am stunned beyond belief. why was there no riot? no protest? the only rock station in dallas has been closed down to bring forth a new oldies station! there is already 15 million oldies station in this fucking city. who needs more? these ppl will die soon! im young, and i demand a rock station in dallas! who the fuck wants to listen to that crap 24/7. no cindy and robert! no lou! no rock top 20! no metallica hour? (although i hate metallica, it had become an ritual hatred.) what is this insanity? how shall my life continue?
2. fantansia won the 'american idol'. i liked her the best, so this is ok.
3. jessica won 'the bachelor'. im disinterested, but interested.
4. i have missed all the important season finales. alias, being the biggest. the recaps do not do justice.

the world i have left is one that is much simplier and beautiful. although, mumbai would scarcely been categorized as such, kerala would. full of lush tropical greens, mixed with a busy and fast developing cities, i was sad to leave it.

2004-05-15T11:29:00.000-05:00

been days
its been days since ive written. lack of topics are the main concern.

my bday is in a couple of days. good fun. its wierd. nothing happens when ure 19. or does it? i suppose it could. i feel as though im getting old. one more year and i wont be a teenager anymore. thats ok, if at 18, i look like im 15, at 19, i will only look like im 16. omg, i can drive.

will i ever reach a stage where i will miss these days. im sure i will. when i have to work everyday, and never recieve a break. hopefully i will get a break sometimes. i was telling teddi, the other day that i didnt want kids, and she said that it was smart. haha. finally someone to tell me that. clearly many havent detered me from that idea but there have plenty who are shocked. what! going againist 4 billion years of instinct traning.

wow, i like rooney.

I've forgotten what it feels like
to feel normal
To be normal
I've forgotten what food tastes like
The way it tastes right
The taste buds taste right
well, I wake up
in so much spit and sweat
It is not normal
What is normal?

well, I go to bed
When I wake up
After cleaning all
all the spit and sweat

Now I'm
Now I'm

sha sha shakin, sha shakin
Im sha sha shakin, sha shakin
Im sha sha shakin, sha shakin
Im sha sha shakin, sha shakin
now

I tossed and turned
all night cause i
cause i was looking for
for an ending
this was so because
because i watched all day
the neverending story with Atreyu

The next day came
but not a beam of light
because the blinds were shut
sha sha sha shut so tight

I fell out of bed
laced with spit and sweat
it made me very cold
it made me very cold

Now Im
Now Im

sha sha shakin, sha shakin
im sha sha shakin, im shakin now

Im supposed to feel better
This nightmare's supposed to end

I am holding on
I am holding on
I am holding on
I am holding on

sha sha shakin, sha shakin
Im sha sha shakin, sha shakin
Im sha sha shakin, sha shakin
Im sha sha shakin, sha shakin
now
yeah
now
yeah

im shakin oh ohhhh
Im sha sha shakin, sha shakin
im shakin oh ohhhh
Im sha sha shakin, sha shakin
---rooney---shakin

2004-05-12T15:42:00.000-05:00

too much fun
me and amy drove around today, and we have had so much fun! so much fun!

bashing bush is the greatest thing to do. his policies (or lack thereof) come under strong scrutiny from us, intelligent women.

we love being DEMOCRATS! and we dont mind that we will never find liberal men in dallas. (afterall, we live in dallas.) bc we want a democrat, and we will stop at nothing to get such perfection.

ahhh, dems rule.

2004-05-12T10:44:00.000-05:00

har har
finally, after many days and weeks, i will see amy.

ahh. we get make fun of stupid fucking teenagers, and tell them to go to school.

boredom, persists.

2004-05-11T11:29:00.000-05:00

ahoy ahoy, my dear friends
it seems as if it again time to write about the crap i wish, i mite, i hope to do.

i mite do an essay from fastweb today. (clearly im bored beyond doubt.)

fun facts from franken:
1. bush wanted to diminish pay from 250 to 150 to soldiers in war
2. general contractors, according to paul bremer, will not be charged with murder, torture, or any such activity.
3. out of the 87 billion, he asked for, 30% will go to contractors.

i cant believe ive been out of school for so long. well, two weeks isnt so long, but it feels like it.

i want to go to school so i can do something. and lose wieght.

i love how (rush or o'rielly)thinks that air america is "propaganda." ahh, ohhh, i see.

Yours is the only version of my desertion that I could ever subscribe to
That is all that I can do
You are a past dinner, the last winner, I'm raping all around me
Until the last drop is behind you
But you're so cute when you're frustrated, dear
Yeah, you're so cute when you're sedated, oh dear

Sleep tight, grim rite, we have two hundred couches where you can...
Sleep tight, grim rite, we have two hundred couches where you can
Sleep tonight,
Sleep tonight,
Sleep tonight,
Sleep tonight.

You are the only person who's completely certain there's nothing here to be into
That is all that you can do
You are a past sinner, the last winner, and everything we've come to makes you you

But you cannot safely say that while I will be away, you will not consider sadly
How you helped me to stray
And you will not reach me I am
resenting a position that's past resentment and now
I can't consider,
and now there is this distance, so...

Sleep tight, grim rite, we have two hundred couches where you can...
Sleep tight, grim rite, we have two hundred couches where you can
Sleep tonight,
Sleep tonight,
Sleep tonight,
Sleep tonight.
---interpol---pda

2004-05-10T10:26:00.000-05:00

clearly im confused
blogger has changed and such change disturbs my patterns. this color for instance is ridiculous. tan? pour que? we should be allowed to change it. hmm. the insanity. what else?

looking myself in the mirror has reinforced the thought in me that ive gained too much weight. i have nothing to do therefore, it is time to workout!

fun, fun.

my chem book, which i cannot sell back, is mocking me. burning is the only thing left to do.

theres all this talk of rumsfelds need to quit. he is not just the problem! i say we ask for the resignation of the entire cabinet. then we would be going somewhere.

did anyone see the snl? too funny. esp when rumsfeld and bush made out. hehehe. lol. oh man. too fuuny.

2004-05-08T10:33:00.000-05:00

is anyone here alive?
books i must buy:
wilon
woodward
david brock
craig uger
Joe Conason
bad muslim, good muslim
clarke
david corn
franken
Howard Zinn "A People's History of the United States"

one day.

2004-05-06T12:49:00.000-05:00

pity me day
ash has just seen the pics of the iraqi pows since shes been a hole doing hw. they are sad and disgusting.

i have nothing to do today. not suprising. i dont do anything, anyway.

today they mite get a car.

i cant believe ppl think that iraq was wmds, and that they were connected with 9/11. how stupid are these ppl? 15 of the 17 terrorists were from saudi arabia. what are u thinking bitches?

Blue
Oh, so lonesome for you
Why can't you be blue over me?

Blue
Oh, so lonesome for you
Tears fill my eyes 'till I can't see

3 o'clock in the morning, here am I
Sitting here so lonely, so lonesome I could cry

Blue
Oh, so lonesome for you
Why can't you be blue over me?

Now that it's over, I realize
Those weak words you wispered, were nothing but lies
Blue
Oh, so lonesome for you
Why can't you be blue over me?
Why can't you be blue over me?
---leann rimes---blue

2004-05-05T12:02:00.000-05:00

radicalism
this morning i woke up at the usual time, slept in bed till the music sucked, & took a shower. parents are gone, somewhere.

so i think, hm, maybe i should do something with my life today. why dont i just go apply at sallys. so i get dressed. get the makeup on, get in the car, and start the car. the noise which follows is not pretty. automatically i turn off the car, and here i am.

why miss franken to go apply at some store which wont hire me?

im a pessimistic bitch. what else is new. omg, i dont have car. where can i go? what am i going to do? WHAT? clearly the world sucks for me.

sucks isnt the right word. at least the sound is happening now. and not two weeks before during finals. i have the right timing? thats better.

bush knew about the photos in "THE WINTER BREAK." BUT his press sec said yesterday he hadnt seen "the main reports." rumsfeld hadnt read the report, meyers hadnt read the report. why dont these ppl read the reports? why doesnt the sec of defense not read the report about the defense. what the fuck do they do?

KUCINICH IS GOING TO BE ON FRANKEN TODAY. ahhh, i almost missed it. and MICHEAL MOORE. his new movie wont be released by mirmax since eisner is scared that he wont get tax cuts on the disneyland themeparks in fl.

rush said that the US soldiers were just blowing off steam, and that it was just like the what happened at the skull and bones or any other frat party.

hm. lets see. hazing? isnt hazing illegal?

Life leaks from you fingertips
onto sparkling pavement
havent heard the news you stumble stuttering
confused

Helicopters line the sky
marching men are rolling by
babies in their baskets blankly stare through space
hey hey

Ever since i first saw you
standing in the black frozen night
Ive been blind
but im driving in the dark towards you
not stopping till i catch the sunlight
In my eyes

Sirens sing over the streets
Chimpanzees are on TV
everybody's working waiting for the week
to end

Ever since i first saw you
standing in the black frozen night
Ive been blind
but im driving in the dark towards you
not stopping till i catch the sunlight
In my eyes
and nothing's left to hide

Ever since I first saw you
standing in the black frozen night
ive been blind
im running out of time

Ever since i first saw you
standing in the black frozen night
Ive been blind
but im driving in the dark towards you
not stopping till i catch the sunlight
In my eyes
and nothings left to hide
oh oh
---saves the day---Driving In The Dark

2004-05-04T17:23:00.000-05:00

im bored
nothing new, i suppose.

in other news, i have decided that friday i will apply at a couple of places. why friday? it gives me a couple of days, so i can get sick of having nothing to do, and eventually see the endless disgust of wasting time. what else shall i do? where shall i apply? who knows? since no one is hiring, so why do i bother to look? well, pop hounded me today. what is ur plan, nissy? he told me yesterday that school and working out should be the most important things to me. hm, rite-o.

theres so much in the political sense to talk about. but i cant. bc its overkill. i cant talk about it. its disgusting. i cant stand to read anything more about those soldiers torturing iraqi pows. its absolutely disgusting.

All that you touch

All that you see

All that you taste

All that you feel

All that you love

All that you hate

All you distrust

All that you save

All that you give

All that you deal

All that you buy

Beg, borrow or steal

All you create

All you destroy

All that you do

All that you say

All that you eat

Everyone you meet

All that you slight

Everyone you fight

All that is now

All that is gone

All that's to come

And everything under the sun is in tune

But the sun is eclipsed by the moon.
---pink floyd---eclipse

2004-05-03T14:30:00.000-05:00

i have till
the end of may to apply to cccc, so there is no motivation for me to do so today. Certainly a giant aspect of this decision was the fact that i dont feel well. no, i dont.

i want a nap.

hmmm, a nap.

i have decided to forgo on the austin politics forum since im not made of money, and i have no way to get there. minute details.

i cleaned my car for over a hour and half. stunning, really. not the outside either; just the inside. why would i clean my car with such attention toward dirt, grime etc.? b-o-r-e-d-o-m. i simply dont have much to do, and im not willing to read yet, nor am i in the mood to venture out and find a job. therefore, out of simple necessity not to kill myself, i have been willing to do anything to sustain whatsoever lifeless energy i possess. i realized how dirty my car was. the more stains i tried (unsuccessfully) to clean, the more stains i would see, mocking at the lack of a powerful cleaner. "it works so well in the commercials" has been heard in the garage a couple of times today in my new dissapproval of oxi-clean. damn u, oxi-clean!

i have 2 hours till i can take a nap. i lack the metabolic sustem which makes me envious of other twiggy(s), but in any case, its not like im going to get up do anything today. why should i? a fool at times. a fool with procrastination in my mind and laziness in my blood. the more i think about my personality test, the more i go "thats not me." dont say such nonsensical phrases. i feel like im more in the middle of each. clearly, such possiblity is not a possiblity. the only thing that speaks of truth is my judging but im not that anal. and it says that im anal. i do tend to procrastinate. a vile hobby but one which is too habitual. i desire not to use my intuition, since i lack in the right instincts about everything.

im so glad i found my road rage cd. there is nothing like hearing the entire 'andante cantablile' after so many years of playing chopped up versions of it.

books i must buy:
wilon
woodward
david brock
craig uger
Joe Conason
bad muslim, good muslim

We saw the western coast.
I saw the hospital.
Nurse the shoreline like a wound.
We paint a lover's tryst.
We're neither clear nor descript.
We kept it safe and slow. T
he quiet things that no one ever knows.
Keep the blood in your head and keep your feet on the ground.
Today's the day it gets tired.
Today's the day we drop down.
Give up my body in bed.
All for an empty hotel.
Wasting words on lowercases and capitals.
I contemplate the day we wed.
Your friends are boring me to death.
Your veil is ruined in the rain.
By then you like to do without.
There's nothing new to talk about.
And though our kids are blessed, the parents let them shoulder all the blame.
Keep the blood in your head and keep your feet on the ground.
Today's the day it gets tired.
Today's the day we drop down.
Give up my body in bed.
All for an empty hotel.
Wasting words on lowercases and capitals.
I lie for only you.
And I lie well.
Halleluh.
Keep the blood in your head and keep your feet on the ground.
Today's the day it gets tired.
Today's the day we drop down.
Give up my body in bed.
All for an empty hotel.
Wasting words on lowercases and capitals.

2004-05-02T13:41:00.000-05:00

rebels
i love my views.

i saw John McCain on 'this week,' and if im not mistaken, he said that currently we are losing the military battle in iraq. i saw kofi annan, (he is such an intelligent man) talking about iraq and sanctions. then i saw wilson on 'meet the press.' russel asked him if it was such a big deal that it was released that his wife was CIA operative. hmm. i wonder?

i wrote this many many many many weeks ago.

What the fuck is wrong this administration? A simple question which has no simple answer. Everything is convoluted and morally disgusting. Everything that comes out of the Bush administration is lies upon lies. Every conservative on TV, or radio, dismisses these FACTS as liberal propaganda. THE LIBERAL PROPAGANDA IS THE TRUTH?

Why I puke democratically:

1. DRAFT. That word hasnt been mentioned by democrats without republicans criticizing it, but finally republicans are admitting to the ugly truth. Chuck Hagel, a republican from Nevada, admitted so just yesterday. Here’s a great FACT. African Americans, which result in 10% of the population, make up 26% of the army.
2. VOTING MACHINES. The NEW and IMPROVED voting machines that are now in place in Florida (30% of voters will be using them in 2004) are owned by CHUCK HAGEL, a republican. While a certain amount of people want a paper trail on these votes (just in case), everyone else is refusing. All we want is a paper trail! What is the big deal? The other voting machine owned by Diebold, whose CEO Walden O'Dell is quoted as saying he was "committed to helping Ohio deliver its electoral votes to the president next year." Why would it be a problem that the owner of the voting machines loves Bush? WHY?
3. Since congress never gave Bush any money for Iraq, he used a loophole in the congress approved (falsely advertised) war on Afghanistan to fund the Iraq war. He does, however, plan on asking for more money (around 87 billion); AFTER THE ELECTION IS OVER. After the election, WHY? Why not now, Mr. Bush?

4. There have been records that our troops in Iraq are fed once a day and fight without proper ammunition. Why would the people fighting this war need food or ammunition? Families have had to have food drives for soldiers. WHY? (Thats the real reason behind the Jessica lynch abduction, btw.) The people who are to feed the troops can’t feed them because there is NO MONEY. Halliburton, Cheneys old company, subcontracted the food to other companies. These companies never got paid. But Halliburton got paid. so…WHERES THE MONEY, Cheney?

5. They are tearing John Kerrys war record apart. Im not a big fan of the guy, but I want Bush out, and I will vote Satan himself, before I vote for Bush. Did Bush ever actually do any war service? NO. He sat at a fucking desk in Alabama. Did he win 3 purple hearts? NO. Did he win a silver medal? NO. Did he win a bronze medal? NO. Why are they tearing Kerry’s record apart? So the attention will be gone from BUSHS LACK OF SERVICE. Now, they have a man who never served with Kerry as the leading spokesman that Kerry is a fake. I'm sorry, what? He never knew Kerry, he never witnessed Kerry save men from sinking ship, but Kerry is a fake. That damn, Kerry. then they say that his war record is "too good to be true."

6. When the administration decided on going to war, they talked to Prince Bandar of Saudi Arabia BEFORE THEY TOLD COLIN POWELL. How does that make sense? You know why it doesn't? Because it's the Bush administration and why do they need to be responsible for their actions? WHY? Let's talk about Saudi Arabia for a second. We went to Iraq to save the Iraqi people from a tyrannical ruler who took all the money from its citizens for his own capital gains. (Bush, the humanitarian, I almost forgot.) Saudi Arabia has a dictatorship. The dictator of Saudi Arabia has immense riches including many palaces. Saudi Arabia has a 30% unemployment rate. Saudi Arabia's who talk against the government are killed. Women who commit adultery are buried till their head and then stoned to death. However, this society is a rational society. Before US INVADED Iraq, they had running water, and power lines. Now they have nothing.

7. The EPA came out today with the finding that the oceans are in "dire" condition. The level of pollution has resulted in high mercury poisoning in fishes. You know what mercury poisoning causes? Oh, just brain damage. Nothing big, folks. Hope that 'damn good' sushi is not dangerous. Or that lobster, or crab. There's always chicken.

Enough for me is not much for you
Won't you forgive me that's all I can do
Can you feel my heartbeat
When I'm close to you

I'll never find another way to say
I love you more each day
It's quite romantic I know
That's how I wanna feel today...
I wanna feel this way

Can you feel my heartbeat
When I'm close to you

I'll never find another way to say
I love you more each day
It's quite romantic I know
That's how I wanna feel today
I wanna feel this way, today

Can you feel my heartbeat
Can you feel my heartbeat
Can you feel my heartbeat
When I'm close to you

I'll never find, no I'll never find
Another way to say
I love you more each day
---tahiti 80---heartbeat

2004-05-01T19:01:00.000-05:00

my parents
think im going to do nursing. what? my dad really. they were talking about some grl whose getting married, and my mom said something around "when will we find a boy for you?" i almost puked. i was eating something too. ahh, when hell freezes over. i said something around in 6 years, in my 'i will kill you like the sadistic child i am if u ever mention that ever again.' my dad agreed, and said that she needs to get her nursing degree?

OIANSEOINASOIDFANBS'DOIFASDF!

exhale.....inhale...

ahhhh, WHY DO I BOTHER TRYING TO GET THRU TO THESE PEOPLE?

exhale...i..nhale....

clearly they cant understand that no decision has been made. 2. no, actually, nursing? thats not even a plausible option.

AND THE FACT THAT I WILL NOT MARRY SOMEONE BC THEY THINK ITS TIME FOR ME TO MARRY. ahh, the insanity. i feel like my life is going back into the 'land of backward indian culture' that i have so ANGRILY tried to get away from. clearly they cant make me do anything that i dont want to do. feminist power. i just have to find someone who doesnt want to have kids. well in this society where childbearing techniques are taught at the back of the grocery store, where shall i find one? i need a neo-indian. a liberal neo-indian.

heres an interesting question, what DO my parents know about me?

they are such a denial!

DENIAL!

good times, good times.

but what is up with this weather? im wearing a sweatshirt...on may 1, IN TEXAS. on fri, i was thinking of buying some tanks in anticipation of summer time?

With your feet in the air and your head on the ground
You try this trick and spin it, yeah
Your head will collapse
And there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself

Where is my mind X3

Way out in the water
See it swimmin'

With your feet in the air and your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Your head will collapse
If there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself

Where is my mind

Ahhhh, Ahhhh..
---placebo---where is my mind?

2004-05-01T12:37:00.000-05:00

"sweetheart"
"i support whatever decision u make, but nursing is such a good field; after that you can go to law school. or maybe CT scan school. or something else medicine related."

did i say that i wanted to go to law school? no!

i havent made a decision on my future. i have to research, but my parents dont seem to understand that. why the fuck dont they understand that? they have no clue. no fucking clue. then mom tried to BUY me out of changing my major.

i hate cheney.

har, har, har. why is lindsay lohan on SNL today? what the fuck happened to SNL? thank god for MAD TV.

i saw "13 going on 30," yesterday. good movie, kids. i teared up.

17 days till my bday.

whats the big deal? 19, woohoo.

one more cousin is getting married.

2004-04-30T20:55:00.000-05:00

indie bands have the best names
i had a meeting with karen meyer today since she got the results back on my tests.

ohhh, goodness.

i brought it home.

i was a fool to think that they would support me.

2004-04-29T14:42:00.000-05:00

since the dawn of supernaturalism
i spit in the name of john sibert the IV.

spit, spit.

for amy received the last test back, and she is unhappy. anyone who causes such displeasure for my best friend is not a man worthy of the 'best juggez" award, so happily bestowed upon him by two intelligent grls.

well, im back on track with the diet. not diet, a new way of life. my mom wants to do the atkins diet. what? clearly thats void of logic. i cant give up pasta or bread or milk or cereal. im not a big fan of meat. however, we are planning on having a barbeque this weekend. the smell of CHARCOAL.

i found my road rage CD after 6 months. i looked on the floor yesterday, and there it was. right next to my computer. i mean hello, dumbass. it was right there. good ol' Bach. A-I-R.

ive heard this song a couple of times and im just so struck shut. its ever worse when u hear it, btw.

Well,
I ain't never been the Barbie doll type
No, I can't swig that sweet Champagne
I'd rather drink beer all night
In a tavern or in a honky tonk
or on a four-wheel drive tailgate
I've got posters on my wall
of Skynyrd, Kid and Strait
Some people look down on me
but I don't give a rip
I'll stand barefooted
in my own front yard
with a baby on my hip

'Cause I'm a redneck woman
I ain't no high class broad
I'm just a product of my raising
I say, 'hey ya'll' and 'yee-haw'
And I keep my Christmas lights on
On my front porch all year long
And I know all the words
to every Charlie Daniels song
So here's to all my sisters out there
keeping it country
Let me get a big 'hell yeah'
from the redneck girls like me, hell yeah
Victoria's Secret
well their stuff's real nice
But I can buy the same damn thing
on a Wal-Mart shelf half price
And still look sexy,
just as sexy as those models on TV
I don't need no designer tag
to make my man want me
Well, you might think I'm trashy
a little too hardcore
But in my neck of the woods
I'm just the girl next door

I'm a redneck woman
I ain't no high class broad
I'm just a product of my raising
I say, 'hey y'all' and 'yee-haw'
And I keep my Christmas lights on
On my front porch all year long
And I know all the words
to every Tanya Tucker song
So here's to all my sisters out there
keeping it country
Let me get a big 'hell yeah'
from the redneck girls like me, hell yeah
I'm a redneck woman
I ain't no high class broad
I'm just a product of my raising
I say, 'hey y'all' and 'yee-haw'
And I keep my Christmas lights on
On my front porch all year long
And I know all the words
to every ol' Bocephus song
So here's to all my sisters out there
keeping it country
Let me get a big 'hell yeah'
from the redneck girls like me, hell yeah
Hell yeah, hell yeah
Hell yeah
I said hell yeah!
gretchen wilson---redneck woman

2004-04-28T22:07:00.000-05:00

the horror, the horror. close ur eyes, for the love of God.
it wasnt a pretty sight, the final. no. it was disappointing and convoluted. it turned out to be the HARDEST test he had given us all year. what was the pt of such activity? did he want us to remember him as fucking piece of shit retard who sweats too much to where the stain(s) is/are obvious. we all saw it, and we ignored it. you would think that since WE could see if from 3 rows back, he could look down and see his profusely watered shirt and proceed to get some MEDICATION. im cruel. must shut my mouth. maybe hes poor, or there is no medication for such PROFUSE sweating. i love how i proceed to say that im cruel but still make fun of him.

whose fault was it? im not going to exhibit stupid, childish behavior(s) and say it was my fault. maybe i should have studied for more than 5-6 HOURS, or maybe i should have concentrated in class when he gave the 10 MIN review for what would be on the final; but, the PROFUSE sweating was utterly enticing. i will blame myself for the lack seriousness i had toward this final, however. my only fault; other than the fact that i SUCK AT MATH. can else can i damn my brain?

but my FRESHMEN YEAR IS OVER and overall it was UNSUCCESSFULL over many pts.

1. grades---what has this unsuccessfulness shown me? that im doing the wrong thing. (what else could it show me?) for many months, donald trump told me that in order to be successful, you must love what you are doing. do i love what i do? fuck no. thats not even a "no," it was a "fuck no." the whole reason (other than my parents) i pursued a bio major, was the fact that i wanted to help ppl. it really was that simple. how ironic? ironic as "eyes wide shut." what does that mean? you know what that means? it means that theres something else better in the future for me. since i dont believe that God is existent in a paternal figure, i will say that life has something great hidden in the future. if i cultivate my knowledge and my passions with the vigor i posses, nothing can stop me.

nothing.

however, i feel better considering i did make a B+ in macro. 87.02889752. look how close i was! .02. holy shit. so thats 1 A, 1 B+, and one C-F.

these are my classes for next semester. im siked about global politics. im hooked on the name, i wonder how i will do in the class. my sister asked what my plan for college was next semester and i reply was (yawn...should i tell her....well no...pause) "...dunno."

CJS -1301 INTRODUCTION TO CRIMINAL JUSTICE
SOC -1301 INTRODUCTION TO SOCIOLOGY
CJS -3301 THEORIES OF JUSTICE
BIOL-1318 HUMAN GENETICS
GOVT-4329 GLOBAL POLITICS

2. social life---im almost 19. OMG. IM ALMOST 19. im gonna die a virgin. what else is there to say? but i did meet ames. one person. but one GREAT LIBERAL DEMOCRAT person. at least we're lonely together. what is it about us? what? i mean are we not gorgeous enough? that def is not it. are we not smart enough? that DEF is not it. its the men. what else? look at stephen? hello!

3. we are nowhere closer to attaining a 'life' that at the prime age of 16.

i cant think of anymore. or maybe my brain, in all its glory, is refusing to accessing the 'depressing lobe.'

I...
I am...
I am feeling low.

Going places.
Someplace I don't want to go.

Tried to find what I don't know back again I'm on my own

What could make me try so hard

Lose instead but don't know why

I don't mind we had I don't mind

Everything is slower now
---mogwai---LOWER

2004-04-27T11:19:00.000-05:00

lax
so what if i have a CALCULUS FINAL TOMORROW? so what, i say. i dont feel at all anxious or "OMG I DONT KNOW ANYTHING." why dont i feel that way? who knows. whoo knows. har har. i just read ames email that 40% of the test questions will be from chapter 7. do i know any chapter 7? no, not at all. AHHH. omg, the nightmare has begun. 10 minutes ago, i felt so calm and relaxed, now im starting to freak out.

franken, my man.

maybe i should start studying. maybe, just maybe.

I wish I could throw my feelings out the window
cos I dont want to love you anymore
I wish I could erase
All the hurt and all the pain you caused me

You're like a theif in the night
You pop up and appear in and out of my life
What a fool I'd be
If I let you continue to do this to me?

Why can't I get you out of my head
Why do I see you, you're not even here
Why is my heart so full of regrets
Why can't I get you out of my head
Why do I see you, you're not even here
Why is my heart so full of regrets
Why can't I move on , why cant I forget

How can you look and stare at me with a straight face
Like you dont even know me baby
Ive known you since we were kids
How could you do this I thought we were friends?

I guess I really dont mean
as much to you as you mean to me
How could you throw love away
I dont understand, cant believe that youve changed

Why can't I get you out of my head
Why do I see you, you're not even here
Why is my heart so full of regrets
Why can't I move on , why cant I forget
Why can't I get you out of my head
Why do I see you, you're not even here
Why is my heart so full of regrets
Why can't I move on , why cant I forget

I see that you give me no other choice
than to fall out of love
with you
Though I love you so
I have to let you go
Cos I see that you're no good for me

Why can't I get you out of my head
Why do I see you, you're not even here
Why is my heart so full of regrets
Why can't I move on , why cant I forget

Why can't I get you out of my head
Why do I see you, you're not even here
Why is my heart so full of regrets
Why can't I move on , why cant I forget
---the flaming lips---cant get you out of my head

2004-04-26T14:14:00.000-05:00

empowering
i wish i could have attended the rally yesterday. can u imagine the power held within those hands? of course, thank god for the REPUBLICAN media, there was no coverage.

ahh, crazy.

the insanity. crazy fucking ppl.

back to work.

2004-04-25T16:36:00.000-05:00

man, the insanity
so i procratinated as long as i could until finally here i am, studying empathically everything with nothing penetrating. i should know how to do this since i did well on the quizzes, but my short term memory has left and i remember nothing. NOTHING. and now, since ive studied at leasttt 150 questions in 2 hr max, my brain is reluctant to study anymore. i agree with my poor brain since it hurts now. ahhh, my laziness. oh wells, what to do now but study? so i was musing thru some articles to find that scott foley broke up with jennifer garner. the outrageouness. i mean micheal vartan is hot, but not a great actor. foley is better. but how can someone break up with jen garner. although, she seemed to be a jerk when she was on conan o'brien. she told him "snuck" wasnt a word, and he pulled up a dictionary to tell her wrong. actually the quote she used was "come on, conan, u went (insert ivy league school), thats not a word." it was rude. haha. fun fun. everyone has to have a bitchy personality. and then i was watching something else when i heard kathy griffin say that gwenth (sp who knows) paltrow was a real bitch. i mean all i wonder is why she couldnt get on some bc. although she is a democrat and well, thankgod. haha. hoot. hoot. rr.

2004-04-23T16:35:00.000-05:00

gag
u know ppl who laugh at their jokes make me sound better. so plz, make jokes.

fri-9 & review; 50 pgs into veil; hr excerise to combat all i have eaten today.
sat-11, 15 & review; cal review; hr excerise
sun-20, 22 & review; 50 more pgs; hr excerise
mon-MACRO EXAM; review; hr excerise
tues- cal review; hr excerise
wed-CAL FINAL; meeting with johnston; hr excerise

what all i ate today
-a banana
-rice with shrimp
-krispy kreme (oh, man.)
-cheesecake

2004-04-23T12:58:00.000-05:00

the latest duty of mine
i went to half price books, and applied.

GIVE ME THE JOB.

i found out about this political forum thing in june in austin, and it costs money. who has money? my dad. eh, not willing to ask him since he just got the credit card bill. boo. so plz people im desperate, give me a job.

GIVE ME A JOB. ill work for 6:50 rite now, im so desperate. and i was looking at what kind of clothes they wore, and they wore casual clothes. perfect for me.

i decided to buy a book also. so while glancing the book eisles, i see bob woodward. BOB WOODWARD! ahh, good times. the book is "veil: the secret wars of the cia 1981-1987." its fucking thick; 511 pages. har har. damn, something to do while im dreaming about how i could be at the forum. ahh. the book is about the latter days of the reagan adminstration. man. this is so great.

i love when conservatives call up air america.

Why Should I Care
(Tom Shapiro/Sara Evans/Tony Martin)

Ooh
Why should I care if you found somebody new
And you look like you're in love
And why should I care if she looks a lot like me
And she's all you've ever dreamed of
I didn't care enough to keep you around
So tell me why should I care now

I was the one who let you go
I never told you that I love you
I couldn't promise anything
The way you needed me to
Oh, my heart was never really there
So why should I care
Why should I care?
I just do

So why should I care if
I ain't nothing in your eyes
What you felt for me is gone
Oh, and why would I feel that way
Now that it's too late
To change what I did wrong
Oh, I didn't care enough to keep you around
So baby, tell me, why should I care now

I was the one who let you go
I never told you that I love you
I couldn't promise anything
The way you needed me to
Oh, my heart was never really there
So why should I care
Why should I care?
Well, I just do

Oh, my heart was never really there
So why should I care
Why should I care
I just do
Yeah, I just do
Baby, I just do
---sara evans---why should i care?

2004-04-22T20:34:00.000-05:00

so i have realized
that i need to only worry about two things for the next whole week, and im trying to figure out how to seperate it. cal and macro, thats it. and i need a 100 on macro test, which wont happen. theres going to be a total of 15 short ans. and i know about half of it. how hard should i study? really hard, i suppose. so today what should i do? hm, hm. cal? since i need it for tomorrow. yea i should look over it. ok so ill do cal till im tired of cal or i understand it, and move onto macro. i dont know when im going to stop. ill stop when im tired.

2004-04-22T13:59:00.000-05:00

wheres the kleenex?
today was the last day for rhet, and in every final class theres always a small speech, of his wishing us luck in our future, and i was quite struck bc i would miss this class. why wouldnt i miss a easy class?

i havent written in a while, bc i dont have anything to say.

im currently eating too much and thinking about how and what should i do this summer.

2004-04-20T11:50:00.000-05:00

the plans keep changing
tues-observation; cal review, macro quiz
wed-observation; cal review, rhet utopia
thurs-RHET UTOPIA DUE, macro quiz (2)
fri-observation; macro studying
sat-rhet final paper; RHET OBSERVATIONS & FINAL PAPER DUE
sun- macro studying
mon-macro studying; MACRO EXAM
tues- cal review
wed-CAL FINAL

too many things to do.

2004-04-19T16:10:00.000-05:00

oh was i to do anything?
i havent done anything for the past few days, and i have motive to change my plans.

so, heres my new schedule. hopefully, ill stick to this.

ah, why not?

tues-observation; cal review, rhet utopia
wed-observation; cal review, macro quiz
thurs-RHET UTOPIA DUE, macro quiz (2)
fri-observation; macro studying
sat-rhet final paper; RHET OBSERVATIONS & FINAL PAPER DUE
sun- macro studying
mon-macro studying; MACRO EXAM
tues- cal review
wed-CAL FINAL

2004-04-17T21:21:00.000-05:00

i feel fat
prob cause i ate 3 tacos even though im not hungry. i mean who needs to eat 3 tacos? who?

the insanity. so ive decided on poli sci major. whats the future? dont know.

dont ask me.

so tomorrow is the well anticipated KILL BILL 2 adventure. i cant wait. i thought i was going to go crazy if i couldnt see it this weekend. i just cant wait anymore. ahh, if only i could be her. well, if only i could be uma thurman. well, in the sense that i want to KICK ASS like her and had the chance to fuck ethan hawke.

im in complete denial that finals are in 2 weeks.

not a good position.

the best convons happen on aim. hehe. too funnny. too funny.

you let me violate you
you let me desecrate you
you let me penetrate you
you let me complicate you

i broke apart my insides
i've got no soul to sell
the only thing that works for me
help me get away

i wanna fuck you
i wanna taste you
i wanna feel you
i wanna be you
just like an animal

you can have my isolation
you can have the hate that it brings
you can have absence of faith
you can have my everything

you tear down all my reason
you see through what i hide
you make me perfect
help me get inside

i wanna fuck you
i wanna taste you
i wanna feel you
i wanna be you
---NIN---closer

2004-04-16T18:39:00.000-05:00

wed after next
will be the last day of class for another 3 months. is it me, does that smell of freedom just sound wonderful? my plan for summer, however, is still inconclusive, so i mite have to entertain the possibility of going to college. who knows?

my hair looks wierd. it has grown much from the spring break haircut disaster of '04, yet the layers are getting on my nerves. the lower layer is long compared to the higher ones which stick out obtrusively. i get the feeling i look like an indian carrot top, yet i think he has longer hair than me. what a pity.

here are the list of things i need to accomplish:
- 7 observations for rhet (!)
- rhet 2 pg uptopia paper
- rhet final paper due
- cal review
- macro quizzes
- macro studying

fri-observation; macro quiz
sat-observation; macro quiz; rhet 2 pg paper
sun-observation; macro quiz; cal review
mon-observation; macro quiz; cal review; rhet 2 pg paper
tues-observation; cal review
wed-observation; cal review
thurs-RHET UTOPIA DUE
fri-observation; macro studying
sat-rhet final paper; RHET OBSERVATIONS & FINAL PAPER DUE
sun- macro studying
mon-macro studying; MACRO EXAM
tues- cal review
wed-CAL FINAL

im going to be done with school in 12 days. its amazing how void my life is without chemistry. well, happiness does exude from me, though.

i must concentrate on what i want to study. WHAT?

i wish i was quentin tartentinos kid. hes a wierd fucker, but the level of intelligence he has is insane.

Well, the sun is goin' down
And you're uptown
You're just out
A-runnin' around

I can't hardly stand it
You're troublin' me
I can't hardly stand it
It just can't be
What you don't know
Baby I love you so
You got me all tore up
All tore up

You said you threw it away
You set me free
But you're just down
Where you used to be

I can't hardly stand it
You're troublin' me
I can't hardly stand it
It just can't be
What you don't know
Baby I love you so
You got me all tore up
All tore up

Well, my spirit is low
I miss you so
I stand alone
And watch you go

I can't hardly stand it
You're troublin' me
I can't hardly stand it
it just can't be
What you don't know
Baby I love you so
You got me all tore up
Aall tore up

Well, I found that you are gone
And I'm alone
All I do
Is sit and moan

I can't hardly stand it
You're troublin' me
I can't hardly stand it
It just can't be
What you don't know
Baby I love you so
You got me all tore up
All tore up
Baby, all tore up
Baby, all tore up ...
---charlie feathers---cant hardly stand it

2004-04-15T13:23:00.000-05:00

it seems as if i cant eat or drink without drooling
my head is pounding and im sitting here waiting for 3 o clock, so i can get rid of chemistry. forever.

this damn cold was ok this morning. i got up and thought 'oh, no sore throat!' my mom gave me some great medicine.

then i stood up, and tired to breathe. well, folks, it didnt happen.

no, did not happen.

starbucks wants to triple its stores all over the world. heres what im thinking, why? theres a starbucks at every fucking corner. how much coffee can u drink? how much profit before it takes a downslide?

Through the best of times,
Through the worst of times,
Through Nixon and through Bush,
Do you remember '36?
We went our seperate ways.
You fought for Stalin.
I fought for freedom.
You believe in authority.
I believe in myself.
I'm a molotov cocktail.
You're Dom Perignon.
Baby, what's that confused look in your eyes?
What I'm trying to say is that
I burn down buildings
While you sit on a shelf inside of them.
You call the cops
On the looters and piethrowers.
They call it class war,
I call it co-conspirators.

'Cause baby, I'm an anarchist,
You're a spineless liberal.
We marched together for the eight-hour day
And held hands in the streets of Seattle,
But when it came time to throw bricks
Through that Starbucks window,
You left me all alone.

You watched in awe at the red,
White, and blue on the fourth of july.
While those fireworks were exploding,
I was burning that fucker
And stringing my black flag high,
Eating the peanuts
That the parties have tossed you
In the back seat of your father's new Ford.
You believe in the ballot,
Believe in reform.
You have faith in the elephant and jackass,
And to you, solidarity's a four-letter word.
We're all hypocrites,
But you're a patriot.
You thought I was only joking
When I screamed "Kill Whitey!"
At the top of my lungs
At the cops in their cars
And the men in their suits.
No, I won't take your hand
And marry the State.

'Cause baby, I'm an anarchist,
You're a spineless liberal.
We marched together for the eight-hour day
And held hands in the streets of Seattle,
But when it came time to throw bricks
Through that Starbucks window,
You left me all alone.
---againist me---Baby, I'm An Anarchist!

2004-04-14T16:38:00.000-05:00

sickness...sneeze
it seems as if it is time again for me to piss about my immune system or lack thereof. ive been laying in bed all day sleeping and having nightmares about snakes. that could be due to the fever.

this nightmare stems from my overwhelming fear of animals. im not going to lie and say it didnt scare me. yes, it did.

it scared me shitless.

damn it.

i dont want to be sick.

am i lying to myself about anything?

hm, lets see, i started this cold yesterday or day before yesterday. all these days are running in together. i think yesterday. hm, what was yesterday?

i didnt get to watch the bush thing last nite. well, i could if i wanted too, but why? {gilmore grls were on.} they are handpicked questions.

this morning, i was watching sean hannity promoting his new book "deliver us from evil."
1. how ironic that he thinks that we needed to be "{delivered}."
2. id love to know from who. oh wait, the Iraqis and their WMDS. ohhhh, silly me. oh, yea, where are those weapons, again? wait, what do u mean, u havent found them? ohhhh. silly me. i thought u needed EVIDENCE before u went into a country, and killed over 600 of our soldiers and wounded over 4,000 INNOCENT civilians. but thats just me and my silly thinking.
3. i love how he mixes in religious references in reference to the demonic cult workings.

i dont know but i think bush is t-h-e savior. i mean really, if JC wasnt about killing other ppl and taking money out of the innocent, what is JC about?

what hannity was really there for was to talk about bushs speech and boost the republican morale. the dude asked him if bushs stammer and demeanor made him a less capable president. his response was '.......oh, the ppl of iraq love us.' i was like what? that wasnt the question u dumb hoar. god, republicans. u know why he digressed. 1. OF COURSE; why do u bother to ask that question? 2. sean hannity, like many, know that bush doesnt do anything. he doesnt know how to run a country, therefore he doesnt RUN the country. his cabinet does. he sits around and pushes brazilian coke up his nose. thats his idea of hard work.

am i loud and clear or am i breaking up?
am i still your charm or am i just bad luck?
are we getting closer or are we just getting more lost?
ill show you mine if you show me yours first
lets compare scars ill tell you whose is worse
lets unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words
we live on front porches and swing life away
we get by just fine here on minimum wage
if love is a labor ill slave til the end
i wont cross these streets until you hold my hand
i been here so long i think that its time to move
the winters so cold summers over too soon
lets pack our bags and settle down where palm trees grow
and ive got some friends some that i hardly know
weve had some times i wouldn't trade for the world
we chase these days down with talks of the places that we will go
we live on front porches and swing life away
we get by just fine here on minimum wage
if love is a labor ill slave til the end
i wont cross these streets until you hold my hand
swing life away
---Rise Against---swing life away

2004-04-13T13:45:00.000-05:00

stop digressing, dudess.
i spent over an hour sitting with the career counselor, kathy, discussing my options. she basically told me i had no clue what i wanted to do, i am afraid to admit i need help, and was afraid of talking to my parents about my present condition.

huh. aww. thats it?

it was a great expeirence. i think im going to start in on the therapy craze.

however, im broke. ohh, look at that.

the circle of life.

she gave me a nice amt of personality/career standardized tests so i could narrow down the choices.

"3...4....5....6"--->u, ah, plannin' on stopping?

she also thinks its a great idea that i move out and explore a life without my parents. oh, look e that. who would have thought?

apparently i should really think about the present condition. do i have any aspiration of becoming a doctor or nurse. well, 'i dont know ' is the final conclusion i come too. how am i to really know? im still waiting from the sign. is that bad? i dont know how to think for myself, thats whats sad. for these past years, my parents have manadated every decision and i have just followed without ever taking responsiblity for my life. until the day i get out, i wont. i mean, why should i? nothing has forced me too. they pay for everything, they do everything for me.

i need to realize that there is no sign and take a risk and just go with poli sci.

plus, thanks to my overanalyzing mind, i can work myself out of thinking something without ever really doing anything. and thats not cool, since, I DONT KNOW ANYTHING.

thats one of the great things about kathy.

she told me "U DONT KNOW," when i was talking about my fear of failure and my failure to t-a-l-k to sibert (!) about his class.

that was a little harsh, lady. so shut ur face, before i kick it in.

so i dont know anything, eh?

Right now I feel like a bird
Caged without a key
Everyone comes to stare at me
With so much joy and rivalry
They din't know how I feel inside
Through my smile I cry
They don't know what they're doin' to me
Keeping me from flyin'
That's why I say that
I know why the caged bird sings
Only joy comes from song
She's so rare and beautiful to thers
Why not just set her free
So she can
Fly, fly, fly
Spreadin her wings and her song
Let her
Fly, fly fly
For the whole world to see
She's like caged bird
Fly, fly
Ooh just let her fly
Just let her fly
Just let her fly
Spread the wings
Spread the beauty
---alica keys---Caged Bird

2004-04-12T16:21:00.000-05:00

so they say
i love how when i ans A question right on jeopardy, my entire family thinks i should entertain the possibility of being on the show. i would make a complete fool of myself if i did enter that show. i know about 1% of all the questions; on a good day.

well, today i went to drop the "class." ahh, the class. the corporate disaster of my world. i was lying to myself for so long.

according to john mccain; a republican on 'meet the press' about the war

russell-will we have to increase the military for this continuing war in iraq?
a. {US will have to increase and expand the military}
russell-how will we pay for all of these?
b. {they will ask for the money AFTER, AFTER the election, and therefore, the deficit will increase.} after the election....why, ah, why is that?
russell-is the major conflict over in iraq?
c. {yes, it is. what is now going on is the "robust" part of the war.} ohhh, the i see now.

ps, ppl, according to mccain the american ppl "informed."

ohhhhh, i see. well thats true; the democrats are.

I was standing
At the end of my rainbow
Nowhere to go
And no pot of gold in sight

All my wishes
Were just way too much to hope for
But when I saw you
I knew I'd seen the light

And not a moment too soon
Without a minute to spare
You touched my heart
When I didnt have a prayer
In my darkest hour
with my world filled with gloom
And not a moment too soon

I used to think that love would never find me
And the one who cared was lost somewhere in time
But when you found me I knew I'd found forever
You rescued me before i crossed the line

And not a moment too soon
Without a minute to spare
You touched my heart
When I didnt have a prayer
In my darkest hour
With my world filled with gloom
Your sweet love saved me
Not a moment too soon
Your sweet love saved me
Not a moment too soon
Not a moment too soon
---Tim Mcgraw---Not A Moment Too Soon

2004-04-11T23:06:00.000-05:00

yo mama jo
i have realized that the more alcohol i have in me, the cornier 'alias' becomes. GO FIGURE THAT. i am a crazy fan of alias and i will believe any plot that sane ppl will say 'thats fucking crazy' or 'that cant happen in real life.' you know what i say to you, i say to you, yes, my dear friend, it can. u know why it can, cause its television. its just television. its "make believe." i dont like all this fuckin reality shit. kiss my ass. i dont watch tv to watch what real ppl do. i want vartan to be a CIA officer whose helps stops international warfare with cool gadgets that no one else has. plus reality tv is not 'real.' hmmm, a conundrum. if reality tv is fake, then is reality tv therefore the hidden make believe tv?

but im not really 'drunk.' im just inebriated to where everyone else thinks im drunk. im normal nissy; peachy as can be.

but my mother thinks im a closet drunkard.

she asked me twice when i started drinking.

.......today?......

---hmm, why not? shes an old woman.

oh, no, i smell therapy.

today, mom told me she was "proud" of me. i was quite stunned esp since the whole chemistry debacle. (which im still wondering about bc i FAILED chemistry and she didnt even shed an ounce of 'stupid' failure child routine.) but she told me that bc BC (damn letters) i cooked my cutlete thing well. huh? then she said that i would be a great cook. shes proud of me bc im going to be a good cook? apparently my mother knows nothing about me. bc if she did, she would know, that i want a man who can cook and feed me like the wonderful independent woman i am. and i hate children and will gladly kill them all.

hmm, maybe i should tell her that when she pisses me off.

i heard this song last nite, and well, i cant remember who sang this song other than rod stewart. i mean this song used to be popular-popular. but who?

heres the best comment that i have said today--

"well, theres nothing like family get togethers to bring out the drunkard in me."

but im not drunk.

but i have realized that more u drink, the more you WANT to drink.

ps- im feeling SEXY.

rod stewart is a horny man.

Sugar, sugar

She sits alone waiting for suggestions
He's so nervous avoiding all the questions
His lips are dry, her heart is gently pounding
Don't you just know exactly what they're thinking

If you want my body and you think I'm sexy
come on sugar let me know.
If you really need me just reach out and touch me
come on honey tell me so
Tell me so baby

He's acting shy looking for an answer
Come on honey let's spend the night together
Now hold on a minute before we go much further
Give me a dime so I can phone my mother
They catch a cab to his high rise apartment
At last he can tell her exactly what his heart meant

If you want my body and you think I'm sexy
come on honey tell me so
If you really need me just reach out and touch me
come on sugar let me know

His heart's beating like a drum
'cos at last he's got this girl home
Relax baby now we are alone

They wake at dawn 'cos all the birds are singing
Two total strangers but that ain't what they're thinking
Outside it's cold, misty and it's raining
They got each other neither one's complaining
He say's I sorry but I'm out of milk and coffee
Never mind sugar we can watch the early movie

If you want my body and you think I'm sexy
come on sugar let me know
If you really need me just reach out and touch me
come on honey tell me so

If you really need me just reach out and touch me
come on sugar let me know
If you really, really, really, really need me
just let me know
Just reach out and touch me
If you really want me
just reach out and touch me
come on sugar let me know
If you really need me just reach out and touch me
come on sugar let me know
If you, if you, if you really need me
just come on and tell me so
---rod stewart---DA YA THINK I'M SEXY

2004-04-10T20:32:00.000-05:00

quandary....of sorts
in honor of me working out and losing the evermounting weight, i am struck with a quandary, per say. why is it that i sweat under my boobs? i would like to sweat anywhere but my boobs. im not boob gifted nor am i boob challenged. but i dont want to lose my boobs.

2004-04-10T16:14:00.000-05:00

devils haitus

2004-04-10T12:59:00.000-05:00

all else
yesterday was a very tiring day.

our cal test was as interesting as the mating patterns of screaming picas. I pondered most of the time what in gods name was all this crap and WHY DID I CARE? i did study, but only while watching tv, playing on the computer, or some other various sort of amusement. in the end, i suppose it did hurt me. but... how could i deny the donald?

then it was onto lab, where i had my last lab for this year or my biology career. a somber day since i never got to tell lee 'fuck off' or 'the bride' him (kapaww!) like i had dreamt. still, last lab. i also saw stephen for the last time. im still wondering why i almost asked him to go see kb2 with us. like ames said, he didnt even call for bad santa. i finally realized that i wont see him anymore and i was still holding out hope that he would apologize and we'd all be friends again. then id like to 'the bride' him. in other words, r=e=v=e=n=g=e.

after lab, i went to church, which didnt end till 4.

while i was nappin', i was asked to help with the easter egg hunt organization and shit. so i did. so i didnt get home till 9.

all in all, a very tiring day~~~

Ha-ha, well now, we call this the act of mating
But there are several other
Very important differences
Between human beings and animals
That you should know about
I'd appreciate your input
Sweat baby, sweat baby
Sex is a Texas drought
Me and you do the kind of stuff
That only Prince would sing about
So put your hands down my pants
And I bet you'll feel nuts
Yes I'm Siskel, yes I'm Ebert
And you're getting two thumbs up
You've had enough of two-hand touch
You want it rough, you're out of bounds
I want you smothered, want you covered
Like my Waffle House hashbrowns
Comin' quicker than Fed Ex
Never reach an apex
Just like coca-cola stock
You are inclined to make me rise an hour early
Just like daylight savings time
Do it now
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let''s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
Do it again now
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
Gettin' horny now
Love the kind, you clean up
With a mop and bucket
Like the lost catacombs of Egypt
Only God knows where we stuck it
Hieroglyphics? Let me be Pacific
I wanna go down in your South Seas
But I got this notion
That the motion of your ocean means
"Small Craft Advisory"
So if I capsize on your thights
High tide B-5 you sunk my battleship
Please turn me on
I'm Mr. Coffee
With an automatic drip
So show me yours, I'll show you mine
"Tool Time"
You'll Lovelett just like Lyle
And then we'll do it doggy style
So we can both watch "X-Files"
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
Do it again now
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
Gettin' horny now
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let''s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
Do it again now
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
Gettin' horny now
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
Do it again now
You and me baby ain't nothin' but mammals
So let's do it like they do on the Discovery Channel
Gettin' horny now

---bloodhound gang---the bad touch

2004-04-08T17:42:00.000-05:00

the math lab?
when i walked into the math lab, i was accosted by convos of clarke and rice's testimony. waiting for rep remarks, i was shocked to hear a few of them discard the whole bush administration as fake and repugnant. my favorite comment was the cute (cute outside the math lab not measured) guy say "i would love it if rumsfeld would die." i shot him the biggest smile ever and he saw me. he later helped me. i forgave him for his Hawaiian shirt.

i cant believe i almost missed all that just bc i was afraid, terrified, angst ridden, about the humid, fruit fly infested, math dungeon.

donald trump, heidi, erika, caroline and omorosa were on oprah today. the level of hatred i possess for omorosa is more than any other reality tv 'star.' clay aiken included. the only thing that comes out of her mouth is racist bullshit. if she thinks "calling the kettle black" is a racist comment, she needs to relearn history. what she is doing is creating a negative stereotype of black women as powerful and rude. she is actually doing nothing to help black women in tv or high prominent roles, no matter what the bitch thinks.

ps, i think the world going to end. mansons getting married. ohh, i lov me some manson rite about now.

Dust begins to fall, to the ground
The air is cold and thin
Thoughts are haunting me as I look around
This will never end and I'll bleed forever

Don't acknowledge right, just dwell on wrong
This spot in hell's where I belong
I've come so far- it's been so long
Don't know why it started or where it came from

Outside shell is strong- confident
But slowly eats away
Like a man plagued with disease, I try to fight
through my pores it seems to seep...
when I'll bleed forever

Don't acknowledge right, just dwell on wrong
This spot in hell's where I belong
I've come so far- it's been so long
Don't know why it started or where it came from

And you sit there and do nothing
You're content with doing nothing

There's nowhere to run and hide
when you're living to die
Stuck alone inside your head,
better off dead
The phone would ring in the empty house,
no one's around.

But in my life, I wanted more, I needed more
I taste more
---Avenged Sevenfold---Clairvoyant Disease

2004-04-07T14:39:00.000-05:00

career center
it occurred to me a few weeks ago that i want to do something but school this summer. so i have taken all the ness steps and applied at the career center at utd to obtain a internship or co-op.

mrs linda jerser and i talked for about 30-40 min while i lamented about my present condition in chem. apparently since im dropping chem, i have screwed myself out of many internship, due to the amt of hours i have. well, one more reason to hate that class, i suppose.

so after the meeting, she has instructed that i need to rework or actually "power-up" my resume. however, she said i was "very creative" with my original. well, thanks, ms. then she instructed me to take 2 tests on the computer to "narrow" down my potential career paths. well, the computer narrowed it down to ohh 200 something. huh. i could be anything from cashier (uh) to archivist (uh). here are some of the potential occupations for PK according to 'choices interest profiler,' that PK is really interested in.

-bucker/faller
-boiler operator
-brick and stone mason helper
-chemist
-dispensing optician
-dredge operator
-embalmer
-economist
-guard
-furnace and kiln operator
-fast-food cook
-caferteria cook
-oil well driller
-plasterer
-offset lithograph press operator
-refuse collector
-shipfitter
-clergy

good times, good times.

ps folks, viagra can help with lung cancer. treat 2 problems with one stone, eh?

limbaugh who DOESNT BELIEVE IN PRIVACY, is stating that the prosecutor obtained his medical documents without permission. hm, the man who doesnt believe in privacy, the man who thinks that the patriot act is helpful, is whining about his lack of privacy. i mean if u have nothing to hide, whats the problem with that, rush?

In your face
I saw risk
Well worth the taking
Time alone
The first kiss
No taking
I loved you from the start
Lost control
Of my flaming heart
Too cold when we're apart
Babe behold
This flaming heart
As the years
Been rollin' by
I've been searchin'
Who had the keys
To the flaming heart
You see emergin'
I loved you from the start
Can't you feel
My flaming heart
Never be apart
No one can steal from you this
Flaming heart
(Talk about it James)
(So listen baby we're talkin' 'bout)
I
The fire
I can see
Within you burnin'
Desire
Same as me
Endless yearnin'
I loved you from the start
With the heat
Of a flamin' heart
We can't be apart no more with need
Of this
Flamin' heart
---Stephen Stills---Flaming Heart

2004-04-06T14:25:00.000-05:00

the bushes
is a new book detailing the bush DYNASTY. my favorite line in the interview was when the author said 'if this was the kennedy's, they would ask bush not to run.' well thats right, why would they ask the moron of the family to make a fool of himself by running for president and ruining the entire country? yet, they potrayed bush as "rebel" who desperately wanted but was never taken seriously by his father. apparently when he won the governor of tx (damn rep texans!) his father spent the entire time talking about jebs loss in florida. ahh, jeez, dad, look at me, look at me, look how dumb republican texans are. his father did not like his plan to enter iraq and did not support his son. hm. i think the old man is grownin on me. well, vs the other one.

well, today is the first day of 'project fit.' i have decided to once again get on the bandwagon of working out and getting fit since doctormom thinks it might improve my chances of not dying from a heart attack or any such diseases at the age of 40. heart disease is the number one cause of death among women. go, us. so my goal once again is to be a 4 by my bday, which is well over a month. go me!

wake up! get down here quick! the president's had too much to drink his days of power are about gone he's been talking to paintings in the hall he says, "i'm finished, so what the hell? my life is ruined, what matters now? i've always itched for that last great thrill... if i die all of you should too." gone with my wind out with a bang i'm gonna end it all right now gone with my wind out with a bang you're coming with me, oh wow my bombs will rain down on d.c. we'll nuke our enemies while they're asleep we'll be safe in the ground below and laugh and drink till the cows come home so c'mon john, whadya say? it's been dancing in my head for years what'll happen if i push this button... let's start world war iii for fun gone with my wind out with a bang i'm gonna end it all right now gone with my wind out with a bang you're coming with me, oh wow mr. president, just sit down we should talk a little while, i'll pour another round what about your memoirs' tv rights? sit tight-and watch the fire... let go of me. do you think i'm mad? to tell the truth, sir, i'd rather not say just keep your paws inside your pockets and planet earth will be ok. but you reached for the button anyhow i had no choice but to knock you out that's just last night's bump on your head on to the next crisis, it's another day gone with my wind out with a bang i'm gonna end it all right now gone with my wind out with a bang you're coming with me, oh wow
---dead kennedys---GONE WITH MY WIND

2004-04-05T17:35:00.000-05:00

the 10 commandments of being republican
i wrote this is many days ago, but since im bored, and since im officialy done with the papers, why not, i say, why not, publish this!

comm 1. "the dumb shall be revered."
comm 2. "the leader of the free country shall not care about anyone else but oil companies and privatized groups."
comm 3. "the leader of the house is the one with a penis (bc its so hard to be born with it)."
comm 4. "the CEO's of the nations wealthiest companies shall not be charged with any crimes even if they screwed ppl out of jobs, and life savings and then lied to the public in court.
comm 5. "do not care about the poor! welfare is useless. those damn poor ppl will just use it on drugs and alcohol."
comm 6. "kill the environment; pollution doesnt exist, high levels of mercury in your fish is good for you. mercury increases the liklihood that your child will vote republican, also."
comm 7. "burn scientists who try to tell you that the environment is ness part of life."
comm 8. "encourage the use of legalized heroin and other drugs but curb the use of steroid in organized sports."
comm 9. "kill every other race in the world for capitalistic profits but claim it was too save them for them from a nutball."
comm 10. "encourage scientists to find connection with liberalism and hurricanes of the coast of florida."

2004-04-05T13:36:00.000-05:00

the paper from hell
lately i have been working on the papers for rhet. one is only 2 pages and another one that is one page. its not the page length that bothers me; its the complete lack of ideas for the paper. usually i am full of ideas spurting with illogical sense but the stream has run dry. the creative length i once did possess has turned into mathematical energy full of logic. what a world i live in now? a world full of logic without passion. the madness, how far.

today is also the 10 year anniversary of kurt cobains death. he was a drug abuser, granted, but his music still is classic and fucking headbanging awesome. i personally believe that courtney killed him. shes a fucking shithead. call me conspiracy theorist junky.

dropping chem has shocked me beyond means. i still cant let go of the dream that one day i can continue with this and pursue something in the medical field. i am nothing but a crushed ego, & crushed dreams, but im again clueless of what to do with my life? i plan to have a plan by summer where this all is headed.

I'm so happy because today
I've found my friends ...
They're in my head
I'm so ugly, but that's okay, 'cause so are you...
We've broken our mirrors
Sunday morning is everyday for all I care...
And I'm not scared
Light my candles in a daze...
'Cause I've found god - yeah, yeah, yeah

I'm so lonely but that's okay I shaved my head...
And I'm not sad
And just maybe I'm to blame for all I've heard...
But I'm not sure
I'm so excited, I can't wait to meet you there...
But I don't care
I'm so horny but that's okay...
My will is good - yeah, yeah, yeah

I like it - I'm not gonna crack
I miss you - I'm not gonna crack
I love you - I'm not gonna crack
I kill you - I'm not gonna crack
---nirvana---lithium

2004-04-04T14:54:00.000-05:00

donald trump
last nites snl was one of the few episodes where i watched the entire snl without losing interest. it was funny, it was ridiculous and it was all due to 'the donald.'

progressively, snl has turned into a humorless pos.

however, donald is a monotonous man. a few of the parodies could have used some inclination in the voice. the best sketch was the one for the 'trump buffalo chicken wings store,' where there were tidbits of him dancing. i mean hes old, what does he know about dancing?

tiny fey kicked ass as always.

in other news, nothing new.

They can make things worse for me
Sometimes I'd rather die
They can tell me lots of things
But I can't see eye to eye
I know they know the way I think
I know they always will
But someday I'm gonna change my mind
Sometimes I'd rather kill

Blood stains, speed kills
Fast cars, cheap thrills
Rich girls, fine wine
I've lost my sense, I've lost control, I'm lost my mind

Things seem so much different now
The scene has died away
I haven't got a steady job
And I've got no place to stay
Well, it's a futuristic modern world
But things aren't what they seem
Someday you better wake up
From this stupid fantasy
---agent orange---bloodstains

2004-04-03T21:36:00.000-06:00

the thomas crown affair
is one hell of a movie.

theres no way to deny the sexiness that pierce brosnan exudes; even if the man is over 51. find me a woman who wouldnt be charmed by that remarkable body or the british accent.

and rene russo! id kill for her body, now; never mind when im her age.

i wonder what i would steal if i could.

today has been productive in certain aspects. so maybe i did spend 3 hours watching ttca but i have chosen to change my ways and finish the last part of the paper. im trying to be somewhat decent, rather than to be increasingly ignorant to everdeclining gpa.

Oh, sinner man, where you gonna run to?
Oh, sinner man, where you gonna run to?
Oh, sinner man, where you gonna run to?
Oh, sinner man, where you gonna run to all on that day?

Run to the moon, "Moon won't you hide me?"
Run to the sea, "Sea won't you hide me?"
Run to the sun, "Sun won't you hide me all on that day?"

Lord says, "Sinner man, the moon'll be a bleeding."
Lord says, "Sinner man, the sea'll be a sinking."
Lord says, "Sinner man, the sun'll be a freezin' all on that day!"

Run to the Lord, "Lord won't you hide me?"
Run to the Lord, "Lord won't you hide me?"
Run, run, "Lord won't you hide me all on that day?"

Lord says "Sinner man, you should've been a praying."
Lord says "Sinner man, you should've been a praying."
Lord says "Sinner man, you should've been a praying all on that day."
---Nina Simone---Sinnerman

2004-04-02T19:08:00.000-06:00

one more day
watched zoolander today and i have to say, what a fabulous MOVIE! good times, good times. we also went to the galleria and watched ppl ice skate. it was absolutely wonderful.

we got our tests back in chem and u know what, why not?

why piss and moan? whats done is done. better luck next time, eh?

troy got kicked off trumps show last night, and man was i happy. i hate him and his fucking accent. his "im just a country boy" line fucking pissed me off. so what, moron? what are u, dumber than the rest of us?

Gypsy, sittin' lookin' pretty
The broken rose with laughin' eyes
You're a mystery, always runnin' wild
Like a child without a home
You're always searching, searching for a feeling
That it's easy come and easy go

Oh I'm sorry but it's true
You're bringin' on the heartbreak
Takin' all the best of me
Oh can't you see?
You got the best of me
Whoah can't you see?

You're bringin' on the heartbreak
Bringin' on the heartache
You're bringin' on the heartbreak
Bringin' on the heartache
Can't you see?

Oh whoah
You're such a secret, misty eyed and shady
Lady how you hold the key
Oh you're like a candle, your flame slowly fadin'
Burnin' out and burnin' me

Can't you see?
Just try and say to you

You're bringin' on the heartache
Takin' all the best of me
Oh can't you see?
You got the best of me
Whoah can't you see?

You're bringin' on the heartbreak
Bringin' on the heartache
You're bringin' on the heartbreak
Bringin' on the heartache

Can't you see?
Can't you see?
No no no
You got the best of me
Oh can't you see?
You got the best of me
Whoah can't you see?

You're bringin' on the heartbreak
Bringin' on the heartache
You're bringin' on the heartbreak
Bringin' on the heartache
You're bringin' on the heartbreak
Bringin' on the heartache
You're bringin' on the heartbreak
---def leppard---bringing on the heart break

2004-04-01T11:39:00.000-06:00

whataboutthepaper,yo?
the paper has grown to one para and a strong idea.

but,

there is nothing like franken or nothing like liberals.

Air America Radio

my god, how stupid are reps? why would u vote for bush? franken, of course the reps dont care the about the poor. they didnt like clintons tax on the top bracket and called it "class warfare." class warfare is killing the top bracket. they made a rush limb song. HAHAHAHA. OH MY GOD. LOL. FRANKEN, U ARE TOO FUNNY. damnit. the day that clarke told bush about al- queda, bush did a press conference about his dog. thats a my president. this show is too addictive. actually, all liberal stations are addictive. HILARY CLINTON is going to be on.

2004-03-31T12:25:00.000-06:00

a new evil has invaded
there are clear ideals to being in college. the level of maturity one exhibits (or should exhibit) is one that is often forgotten but understood. all forms of education prior to college, teaches students to behave in manner worthy of their age. when i enter amys class, a class full of 4-5 year olds, they understand that topic. in fact, there comes a age when u know that by-heart. when someone is talking, esp a teacher, you shut ur fucking goddamn mouth. its a reflex ... like breathing.

the class where i have my chem lecture is about 150+ seats. all or most of those seats are full most of the time. last sem is deicks class, we became attached to these certain seats in the middle of the lecture hall, and the e-n-d of the row for a quick getaway. no one ever sat in these seats but us. so, we grew to have a certain affinity with them. so every time we get a chance to sit in these seats, we are exuberant. these seats are nostalgic but comfortable. (siberts class lacks the ability to understand that those seats are our seats but whatever...)

but lately, a new evil has invaded our exuberance of the seats.

they are a group of grls.

they are a group of very ugly grls.

they are a group of very ugly annoying grls.

they are a group of very ugly annoying talkative grls.

they are a group of very ugly annoying talkative apparently "cool" grls.

but heres the thing.

they are not cool.

today, we get to class, see "our" seats, and sit, awaiting for siberts jugge.

slowly, they come. one by one. and sit next to us.

and start to talk.

then sibert starts lecturing...

and they keep talkin...talkin...laughing....gasping....talkin...laughin....

no end in sight.

they talk for the entire 50 min.

there were times when amys stark comment about their level of voice was acknowledged but not for long.

heres the thing.

utd is not cheap school. in fact utd has the highest tuition rates for ALL public universities in texas. my mom and dad, pay a shit load of money to send me to this school. im not one of those kids who doesnt understand the value of money, either. i value my education. u dont go to UTD for anything but education. and heres the other thing, utd is HARD school. not only is UTD a hard school, the school of biology and sciences is one of the top rated schools in the US.

so, heres my question, why are u here, grls?

{there have been occasions where i talk to amy during class, but those are 30 second comments about sibert, a jugge, or something worth noting.}

this is main important thing:

if u want to talk,
1. dont come to class.
2. theres two doors, bitch. get out.

its simple.

Look at the earth from outer space
Everyone must find a place
Give me time and give me space
Give me real don't give me fake
Give me strength, reserve control
Give me heart and give me soul
Give me time, give us a kiss
Tell me your own politik

And open up your eyes, open up your eyes, open up your eyes, open up your eyes

Give me one 'cause one is best
In confusion, confidence
Give me peace of mind and trust
Don't forget the rest us
Give me strength, reserve control
Give me heart and give me soul
Wounds that heal and cracks that fix
Tell me your own politik

And open up your eyes, open up your eyes, open up your eyes, open up your eyes
Just open up your eyes

But give me love over, love over, love over this
---coldplay---Politik

2004-03-30T12:36:00.000-06:00

attraction science
i took the personality test on match.com

and of course its dumb to ask a computer what ur personality is when u know but....

Who You Are
You're a hidden artist. You're a very down-to-earth woman with a sensual nature. You're modest and are the first to poke fun at yourself. For you life should be "balanced" with lots of time for fun, relaxation, and romance. You feel deeply about your loved ones and the important issues in your life. You're a little shy and only let a few people get especially close. You put the ones you love ahead of everything else. In fact, you often put them ahead of your own needs. At this point in your life you're more ready and able than most women to experience romance and a powerful "spark" with someone.

What's dating all about to you?
Finding a loving relationship is an ongoing journey for you. You try to learn from each date and new experience and move on. Falling in love comes naturally to you. It doesn't have to make sense. You're ready to "go with the flow" and see where it leads.

Because you thrive on new adventures and excitement, long-term relationships can be boring. And when you're bored, you typically try to shake things up. Deciding when and with whom you're ready to "settle down" is a special challenge for you.

How unique is your type?
Your personality profile is similar to a number of women your age. Looking at over 10,000 women who have taken the test, about 3% (or 1 in 33 women) have very similar beliefs, values, and habits. Of course, the way these qualities are expressed in you is what makes you so unique.

Quirks men notice
Like all women, you have your strengths as well as your quirks and shortcomings. Ultimately, you want to find someone who will love and accept you "warts and all." Because you're a private person, it's especially important that you find a partner who understands.

You have a pretty even-tempered personality and may not have any especially annoying or quirky habits. Of course, seeming to be "perfect" could be seen as a flaw by some, in which case you may just want to pretend to have a bad habit!

Do men like your type?
Notice that 36% of men are generally attracted to your personality type. 4% say they are VERY attracted.

Who You're Looking For
He'll come to your rescue. You're looking for a man who can be a pillar of strength and stability in your life. You want a man you can count on to do what he says and say what he means. You'll be impressed by how responsible, strong-willed and hardworking he is. If you're ever in a crisis, he's definitely the man you'd want to come to your rescue. He's very intuitive and has a lot of "common sense." He has a shy and reserved exterior, but one-on-one you'll find he talks openly about himself and what's important to him. He'll dress and act conservatively, but behind his serious exterior is a very loyal and faithful potential partner.

You don't expect your partner to be in a good mood all the time. You understand that sometimes your partner will be down, get pessimistic or worry too much. These days are balanced by the many good days the two of you will share.

Number of men your type
Men with the exact type of personality you prefer are rare gems. Looking at over 10,000 men who have taken this test, only 5% (or 1 in 20 men) have the exact combination of similarities and contrasts in personality you find extremely appealing.

However, there's a larger group, 12% (or 1 in 8 men), who have most, but not all, of the qualities and habits you like. These subgroups are charted below.

Over half of the men have at least some of the traits you find attractive.

But you'd have a negative reaction to 10% (or 1 in 10 men), who have some or many of the characteristics you clearly dislike.

Finding someone like you
You want to share your life with someone who has the same values, goals, and style you have. Research has shown that couples who have more in common tend to stay together longer. The qualities you find attractive (and unattractive) in men suggest you would certainly be happier with a man who's more like you.

No very strong opposites were detected, which suggests that you are most attracted to men who are very similar to you. This is good news since similar couples tend to stay together longer.

Quirks you can tolerate
The truth is that everyone is potentially "high maintenance." We all have our quirks and shortcomings. The key to long-term harmony is finding a man who can tolerate (or maybe even enjoy) your "quirks," or the little personal oddities that make you unique.

You described a pretty balanced person as most attractive to you, so no strong quirks were noted. Watch out for quirks during dating, since they may indicate a strong quality that is hidden at first.

In addition to his quirks, your "ideal" personality type may have other qualities that are more frustrating or challenging to deal with. Under stress, his quirks can become serious "flaws." But remember, these quirks are the "flip side of the coin," or the extreme end of qualities you otherwise find appealing.

Because you're most attracted to men with balanced personalities, no troubling differences were noted. Nevertheless, remember that too much similarity can lead to conflict as well, especially when problems call for very different perspectives or actions.

Deal breakers
You seem ready to adapt to the good and frustrating qualities of the men you're looking for, but there are types of men you clearly do NOT like.

2004-03-30T12:01:00.000-06:00

"adopt" a homosexual
thats as far as ive gotten in the gay marriage amendment paper. is that offensive or offensive enough to shock you? thanks to this world of violence and hatred, nothing can stun us.

just the truth. or the lies of right.

working on paper has proved to quite uninteresting since i pay more attention to my n-e-w fucking awesome liberal radio station via the internet.

Pacifica Radio

i was just being informed about the fight in Pakistan over leadership. apparently the US supported regime in place now, is run by military dictatorship. however, why does US support General Musharraf if America believes in and wants to spread democracy. (aka= the "real" reason to conquer iraq.)

Facts about General Musharraf: (thanks to ZNET, & Justin Podur)

1. "took power after a military coup in October 1999"
2. started a "new political formation in Pakistan, a structure that is loyal to him and dependent on the military, with less autonomy and less capacity to represent any interests other than the military."
3. 'So if Musharraf was the winner, who was the loser?'---interviewer asking a qs. on the "supposed elections."
"The people of Pakistan, and especially the poor, for several reasons."
"...continuation of high military spending..."
"...very little incentive for domestic or international capital to invest."
"...This new government might have the vote, but everyone understands that their existence is owed to Musharraf's blessing and not any support or platform or constituency in the population. Democracy, the mechanism where the poor turn their aspirations into entitlements that carry power, has been eroded."

im so glad US supports the good guys. of course, in that situation, im not going to be ignorant (since i only know the basic facts) and say that previous leader was any better. but she was a woman bringing in investments, sponsoring education and disbelieved in the existence of war.

good times, good times.

i missed loveline, so no new great stories.

the following is what i wrote yesterday after realizing that i have failed both major tests.

I hate college; simply stated.

There are moments, such as now, when I feel that I do not belong in college. It's not a matter of "fitting in" or pleasing others to improve ones social standings, it is however solely based on an intelligence capacity that one has.

I lack intelligence; simply stated.

The screen door slams
Mary's dress waves
Like a vision she dances across the porch
As the radio plays
Roy Orbison singing for the lonely
Hey that's me and I want you only
Don't turn me home again
I just can't face myself alone again
Don't run back inside
darling you know just what I'm here for
So you're scared and you're thinking
That maybe we ain't that young anymore
Show a little faith, there's magic in the night
You ain't a beauty, but hey you're alright
Oh and that's alright with me

You can hide `neath your covers
And study your pain
Make crosses from your lovers
Throw roses in the rain
Waste your summer praying in vain
For a savior to rise from these streets
Well now I'm no hero
That's understood
All the redemption I can offer, girl
Is beneath this dirty hood
With a chance to make it good somehow
Hey what else can we do now
Except roll down the window
And let the wind blow back your hair
Well the night's busting open
These two lanes will take us anywhere
We got one last chance to make it real
To trade in these wings on some wheels
Climb in back
Heaven's waiting on down the tracks
Oh oh come take my hand
Riding out tonight to case the promised land
Oh oh Thunder Road, oh Thunder Road
oh Thunder Road
Lying out there like a killer in the sun
Hey I know it's late we can make it if we run
Oh Thunder Road, sit tight take hold
Thunder Road

Well I got this guitar
And I learned how to make it talk
And my car's out back
If you're ready to take that long walk
>From your front porch to my front seat
The door's open but the ride it ain't free
And I know you're lonely
For words that I ain't spoken
But tonight we'll be free
All the promises'll be broken
There were ghosts in the eyes
Of all the boys you sent away
They haunt this dusty beach road
In the skeleton frames of burned out Chevrolets

They scream your name at night in the street
Your graduation gown lies in rags at their feet
And in the lonely cool before dawn
You hear their engines roaring on
But when you get to the porch they're gone
On the wind, so Mary climb in
It's a town full of losers
And I'm pulling out of here to win.
---bruce springstein---thunder road